Subscribe

We ask you: what are you betting on with horse racing on strike?

BRITISH horse racing is staging a one-day strike, leaving millions of gamblers with no option but to find new wagers. What are you losing a grand on today? 

Steve Malley, lathe operator: “The f**king dogs. Disgusting. I’ve gambled so much my wife and kids left me and I live in a men’s hostel but this is the lowest I’ve ever sunk.”

Norman Steele, gardener: “Bamboozled by the loss of the 3.30pm from Uttoxeter, out of options, I found myself putting £200 on the sun not setting this evening. Good odds, but it’s a bet I fear I’ll lose.”

Margaret Gerving, retired: “Are we going after the striking trainers, jockeys and trackside bookmakers for being a load of overpaid lefty bastards, or is that just tube drivers?”

Helen Archer, civil servant: “I’ve bet £50 this strike will achieve nothing and Reeves will still tax gambling because she’s desperate for cash. Is it a problem that I work in the Treasury? Not for me.”

Jim Bates, online trader: “Insult to injury, what’s ahead of me in the queue at the Post Office? A f**king racehorse. Says it’s his day off and he can do what he f**king likes.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Seven easy steps to uprooting your life and moving to a better NHS trust

NHS TRUST league tables have been published, so it’s never been easier to change your location to get the best medical care. Here’s what you should do: 

Consult the league table

There’s no reason to compromise on quality, so pick a trust in the top three. Inform your family you’re moving to Northumbria, and ignore people who say it’s ridiculous to reduce hospitals to a numbered list. Explain it’s like the Top 40, where the number one is always the absolute best piece of music in existence that week.

Sell your house

Your house will go for the asking price as soon as the estate agent puts it in the window, so now all you need to do is choose a new one – there are loads online – and buy it. It’s even easier for renters, who can pack their few possessions in a rucksack and move stright into one of Britain’s many spacious, affordable flats with easygoing landlords.

Tell your children to say their farewells

It will be tough for your little ones to leave their friends, schools, relatives and their whole familiar world, but explain the importance of healthcare by listing all the health issues that could hit them: cancer, a stroke, a colostomy, Parkinson’s disease, anal prolapse, and so on. Bedtime is good for this.

Move to the other end of the country

Moving house? Easy: put your plates in boxes and the removal men do the rest. Expensive, but it’s a fraction of the earnings you’ll lose if an incompetent surgeon in a bottom-half NHS trust amputates your legs in error. Don’t drive the lorry yourself though, some of the postcodes you’ll go through could be very low in the rankings.

Get a new job

It’s easy to get a new role with a standard covering letter containing AI-friendly words like ‘proactive’ and ‘synergies’. In a worst-case scenario you may have to lower your salary expectations, but compare that to the quality of healthcare you’ll be receiving and you’ll be working your minimum wage nightshift with a smile.

Luxuriate in it

Now you’re settled in a top NHS trust, you need never worry about your health again. A broken tibia, a cardiac arrest, necrotising fasciitis? All minor issues for you. Why not take up smoking, or get hit by a bus to enjoy some real-life Holby City drama in your new A&E department when there’s nothing on telly?

Prepare for the 2026 league table

Next year there will be a new league table and if your trust has slipped down you’ll need to move again. But never mind, it was a breeze last time, so cheerfully fire up Zoopla again and look after your family’s health.

Next story ›