Monday, 8th March 2021

Six reasons why movie sex scenes are bollocks

KEIRA Knightley has said she will no longer appear in sex scenes directed by men. But how does Hollywood get sex so wrong, and how could it be fixed? 

Simultaneous orgasms every time

In films, simultaneous orgasms arrive with the punctuality of a Swiss train. Really the Tom Hiddleston character should orgasm first every time, ignoring Dakota Johnson’s cries of ‘hold on you bastard,’ then make a half-hearted offer to ‘finish her off’.

No impotence

Rom-com stars regularly hook up after a night of heavy drinking yet flaciddity is never an issue. Bond films in particular should always show borderline alcoholic 007 unable to perform despite 20 minutes of digital stimulation by a bored Holly Goodhead with an aching hand.

Sex is a marathon

Film shagging is an all-night marathon in multiple positions. In real life this would be like a 15-mile run chasing the one thing you want, begging for the amazing sex to stop.

Sex games

Real people tend to be wary of blindfolds and handcuffs, partly because it’s creepy but mainly because it’s silly. In films, because they can’t actually show the act, it’s all about the props as if Jennifer Lawrence got conned at an Ann Summers party and wants her money’s worth.

No first-time nerves

Sex with a stranger can be stressful. Sex scenes in steamy erotic thrillers should include premature ejaculation, nervous apologies and the whole thing should take place entirely with the lights off.

Sex and danger are a great mix

Films like Basic Instinct suggest people are unable to turn down incredible sex, whatever the risks. Untrue. The slightest possibility of getting an ice pick through your brain would make even the biggest horndog roll out of bed and put Sky Sports News on to kill the mood.