THE Wombles have returned and yes, like everything else, they are now woke, sexy and for adults only.
After almost 30 years off-screen, the intellectual property has been bought by a corporation who plan to strip-mine your rose-tinted childhood memories for whatever they can get.
A spokesman said: “What would make headlines and announce we’re bringing these characters into the 21st century? You got it, Wombles f**king.
“They already lived on Wimbledon Common, a notorious cruising spot, so Tobermory in a studded leather chest harness is a natural progression respecting the original stories. And Madame Cholet? You can’t call yourself that and not run a brothel.
“We’ll explore stories about littering, the environment, their sexual exploits on the Radio 1 Roadshows in the 1970s, gender, non-binary identities, gentrification and the plight of indigenous peoples. Something for everyone there.
“And the show will, of course, feature complicated continuity, spin-offs, references to barely remembered 70s episodes and the heartbreaking death of Great Uncle Orinoco. We think it’ll be as popular as the last two seasons of Doctor Who.”
The theme tune, a haunting downtempo minor-key rendition of Remember You’re a Womble by Ellie Goulding, has already been commissioned to soundtrack a teaser trailer released next week.
Fan Carolyn Ryan said: “I say ‘cockwomble’ on social media a lot. If they get that in there I’ll turn it into a meme.”
