Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Take some time this weekend to go for a walk and be alone with your thoughts. Both of them.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a kid you couldn’t concentrate on your comics due to your 2000ADHD.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You have little room to criticise your wife’s bingo wings, given your pendulous betting shop chops.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As you catch yourself putting the heating on for the first time since March, there’s a slight popping noise as the last vestiges of your youth leaves your body.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
St Vitus cathedral, the Lobkowicz Place, the Kafka museum just some of Prague’s cultural sites that you pissed on during your stag trip.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
They say a leopard never changes its spots but armed with a pot of black paint, you’re going to break into Chester Zoo and give it a hand.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your main problem in life is that you are easily distracted, and this w-you’re not even reading this, are you?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Still no news from Radio 4 about your Thought For The Day in which you decide what order you’d have sex with Little Mix.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not find out where Jeremy Clarkson lives and replace the number plate on his car with one that says ‘P45’?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There’s a moment in everyone’s life where they have the opportunity to grasp an opportunity that will change their life for the better forever. On Thursday, you will realise yours was six months ago.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your application to the Elite Singles website is turned down when you try to pay the registration fee in Nectar points.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re watching horoscopes+1. Still mostly wanking and chips for you.