THE Daily Mail’s breathlessly contemptuous coverage of Love Island still answers the key question for its readers: which of the cast are worth a tug in the shed?
Suburban retiree Norman Steele gives his verdict.
Tasha
An absolutely stunning blonde and definitely worth moving the broken mower for, should she turn up here. She’s deaf and wears implants, but it wouldn’t be a problem, we wouldn’t be talking! If they’re all like her I’ll be ejaculating into the compost bin.
Verdict: Two thumbs up
Gemma
Former footballer Michael Owen’s daughter, and a lovely-looking young lady of just 19. I’m a bit uncomfortable in this old camping chair, and also uncomfortable because her dad scored against Argentina when he was a year younger, I idolised him, and football and sex don’t mix.
Verdict: It’s a no from me
Dami
I’m caught off guard by a picture of a man. And a black man, who are sexier, to boot. Luckily I looked away quickly, so the risk of turning gay is pretty low.
Verdict: N/A
Paige
Looks cracking in a bikini. From Wales so I thought she might be simple, but she’s actually a paramedic. If she was doing my prostate check-up I’d be front of the queue every time. Things are definitely hotting up in the shed. I might prop the door with a spade.
Verdict: A real spade-propper
Indiyah
Excellent tits, which as she’s a black girl proves I’m not prejudiced when it comes to bashing the bishop. I’m sure ITV’s done the appropriate background checks and she’s here legally. And arguably I’m not in a position to pick and choose when I’ve got my pants round my ankles and one foot through a hosepipe.
Verdict: I’m not racist
Amber
Nice arse and she’s got a bit of meat on her, which is good. Apparently Amber doesn’t like flashy guys. You’ve come to the right place, Amber. I’m having a wank in a damp shed full of old bikes.
Verdict: She’s not picky
Liam
Bugger. I was on the last strokes and heading back to Tasha when the paper fell open on this six-packed cretin from Newport, just as the inevitable happened. The shame. Oh God, the shame. When I was reading the Mail later there was a look in Richard Littlejohn’s eye saying ‘I know what you did, nancy boy’.
Verdict: It was a mistake
