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'Of course I'd leave you for Susanna Reid, I'm not f**king stupid', says husband

A HUSBAND has explained to his wife that he would, without doubt, leave her for Susanna Reid at the first available opportunity. 

Charlotte Phelps sought reassurance from husband Martin that he would never abandon her for the Good Morning Britain presenter, to which he responded that he would not even pause to pack a suitcase.

Charlotte said: “He was giggling at her stupid jokes as though she was in the room and it would impress her, so I teasingly asked if he’d ever be momentarily tempted to ditch me if she threw herself at him.

“I was surprised to learn I could ‘keep the house, keep the car, and keep the f**king kids’ and that he would be on the first train to London to ‘kneel in worship between her thighs’ which sounds like he’d thought about it before.

“Shocked, I asked if he’d truly run out on the life we’d built together just to be with a breakfast show bimbo. He replied haughtily that she was a garlanded journalist and did more to hold Boris Johnson to account than his sycophants at the BBC.

“Then he turned and stared, contemplatively, at the television where she was discussing singing the national anthem in school, and mouthed ‘wait for me.’”

A spokesman for Susanna Reid said: “Ah, yes, we think we know this one. Number… 4,004, I think. He sends letters.”

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First guest to turn up at party always worst

THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown. 

Studies of wankers’ travel patterns and their subconscious awareness of being disliked showed they deliberately arrive early to get their pick of alcohol and to identify vulnerable guests to corner for the entire evening.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We were inspired to conduct our research by Leanne’s leaving do, when that twat James was straight on the scene.

“It appears to be universal; whether it’s your dullest colleague, your most freeloading relative or that loutish mate from uni you should have shaken years ago, the first person to walk through the door will make your stomach lurch in horror.

“Furthermore, they’re are more likely to be the only person there for up to 45 minutes, dictating that you spend all your time either being bored by them or hiding in the bogs. God forbid they find out you’ve got coke.

“If you don’t invite that person? Then another arsehole takes their place, telling you all about their childcare arrangements until you burn yourself getting vol-au-vents out of the oven. It’s inescapable.”

Punctual party-goer Nathan Muir said: “If the invite says 7pm, I’m coming at 7pm. Too many people show up late these days. It’s a degradation of British values, and to be honest, no offence, I blame immigration.”

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