'We have demonetised his YouTube. Mission accomplished,' say Zelensky, Big Pharma and the New World Order

THE enemies of Russell Brand have met in tunnels below Denver airport to celebrate the demonetisation of his YouTube channel.

Russell Brand was a heroin addict, discovers crack investigative team on page 145 of My Booky-Wook

THE investigative team that exposed Russell Brand as a sexual abuser have discovered he was also a heroin addict, after continuing to read his autobiography.

Teenager to spend full weekend policing celebrity behaviour

A TEENAGER has decided she has no choice but to spend the next 48 hours policing the microscopic behavioural lapses of celebrities to stop them getting away with it.

My fingers were up there and it snapped shut on them like a trap, Kate explains

THE Princess of Wales has explained that her fingers were injured when an aperture closed on them without warning, causing a fracture.

How to make small talk at an awkward family party, by Prince Andrew

IN my experience, family parties can be chilly affairs where nobody wants to talk to you. Here’s how to break the ice.

Village incredibly proud of local celebrity who got out of there the moment he f**king could

THE residents of the village which a famous actor was born in, raised in and left forever the moment he was able to are still incredibly proud of him.

Bo Derek and other wank fantasies you'd have to explain to the young

MENTION an iconic hot chick like Bo Derek and anyone under 30 – no, 40 – will stare at you blankly. And these sexual references are also out-of-date.

Margot Robbie, and other celebrity crushes for unimaginative blokes

ARE you a straight man and a basic bitch who’s never had an independent thought in his life? These are the famous women you fancy by default.

Renee Zellweger's creepy face, and other celebrity transformations that went a bit too far

CELEBRITIES tend to be slightly mental and also somewhat obsessed with their looks. As such they should not be allowed anywhere near cosmetic surgeons, as these stars prove.

'If you haven't passed your A-levels, you're f**ked for life' celebrities reassure teenagers

CELEBRITIES have taken to social media to reassure 18-year-olds that A-levels are crucial and without good grades they will never achieve anything.