Celebrity

HOLLY Willoughby is to open This Morning by announcing she is to ITV daytime like unto a God, and there is but one God and there were never two.

WITH no biological clock to follow, rich male celebrities can do whatever they want at any time of life. Including these things ladies and pathetic normal men can only dream of.

I’VE taken a long, hard at my behaviour recently, and I can reach only one conclusion: I love you, Phillip, and we should get married.

YOU can’t hold on to grudges all your life, because in the end? The person you’re really hurting is yourself. Let me help you let go.

SOMETIMES it’s nice to go home. Unzip and remember former passions with these comforting wanks of times past.

HELLO, subjects. Because I’m normal like everyone, I’ve been closely watching docu-soap Succession for tips on deposing one's father without anyone noticing.

YESTERDAY the world lost the iconic performer Tina Turner. But, tragically, she has left no song whose title can be used as a headline in tribute to her.

CELEBRITY scandals these days are cheap and tawdry. Cast your mind back to harmless, fun scandals of the past, like prostitution and attempted murder.

PHILLIP Schofield admitted he had no option but to leave This Morning after realising the entire show was nothing but a collection of total shit.

A FEMALE celebrity looking for a way to get back into the public eye is wondering if you have ever heard of the menopause.