Marlboro to launch biodegradable, combustible alternative to single-use vapes

THE environmental impact of disposable vapes may soon be eliminated by a completely biodegradable alternative launched by Marlboro. 

Their new products, a tube made of environmentally-friendly paper and filled with all-natural herbal restoratives, produces delicious smoke which is not bubblegum-scented so would not attract teen users.

A Marlboro spokesperson said: “Our new product doesn’t send lithium batteries to landfill. It vanishes as you inhale it, leaving nothing but a harmless stub behind.

“But it delivers that familiar nicotine hit you know and love with a harsh flavour young people could never become accustomed to. And while kids can vape in bathrooms, it’s much harder to conceal a small fire. They’d have to be outdoors behind some sort of shed.

“It’s created using tobacco, a ceremonial plant loved by Native Americans and those guys really respect nature. We haven’t named it yet but it’s similar to the cigars Hollywood A-listers enjoy, so perhaps cigarino?

“It’s also extremly cool when lit in a doorway in a rainstorm or on a match proffered by a seductive femme fatale. Would you shag someone who smells of Chewits? No. Would you shag someone so badass they’re holding a burning tube in their mouth? Yes.”

When questioned as to whether the filters on their new product were also biodegradable the spokesman refused to respond and challenged the interviewer to try one puff, unless they were scared.

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Man dumps girlfriend after catching her checking out baby

A MAN has ended his relationship after seeing his girlfriend of nine months openly admiring a baby. 

After 31-year-old Nathan Muir saw Nicki Hollis ogling the chubby body of a five-month-old infant in a park on Saturday, he realised they had no future together.

He said: “It’s the disrespect that gets me. Just gawking at it, tongue hanging out, when I was right there.

“I’m not naive. I get that women will occasionally think about babies, even when they’re in a relationship with a man who prefers kiteboarding, but eyeing one up like that is bang out of order.

“Sometimes in the past I caught her sly glances at a particularly sweet-looking toddler, but she was always discreet. This time, she was literally turning her head around to stare and even giving a little wave.

“If I hadn’t been there, if she’d been out with her girlfriends, there might have been an approach, touching, chatting, a besotted ‘coochie coo’, dangling it on her knee. Then she’d be in bed with me, making love, thinking about chubby cheeks and adorable little booties.

“I challenged her on it. She said every woman sometimes fantasises about babies. If that’s true it’s sickening.”