FOREIGN tourists may have to provide five years of their social media history before visiting America. These blemishes on your account could see you banned for life.
Posting a selfie with Sabrina Carpenter
After Sabrina Carpenter slammed the Trump administration over the ‘evil’ use of her song, any association with the pop star will be seen as aligning yourself with a terrorist organisation in the eyes of the White House. Tourists will stand a better chance of entering America if they follow Hezbollah, share 9/11 memes and pop the Islamic State flag in their bio.
Publicly speculating about Melania
It’s grossly offensive to ponder about the relationship between the president and the first lady on a public forum. So what if they barely spend any time together and she visibly seethes in his presence? Any married couple will tell you that’s the sign of a healthy relationship. Only people who love each other deeply give the impression that they’re locked in a loveless nightmare from which there is no escape.
Giving any mention of the piss tape a like
Upon landing in America, customs officers will be at liberty to seize your phone and check your social media for you propagating the dubious but persistent story about Trump and two Russian ladies. If they find out you’ve endorsed rumours of this kompromat, you’ll be put on the next plane home. If you’re clean, your phone will be returned and you’ll be told not to Google what it’s all about. For your own sanity, follow their instructions.
Spreading non-misinformation about Trump
Trump has worked hard to cultivate a post-truth world, and the last thing he needs is you undermining his lies. People who expose Trump’s fibs about Tylenol, his claim that Ukraine started the war with Russia, or his clueless shit-talking about countless other subjects, will automatically be denied entry. This might actually be a relief for tourists as it won’t be long before every famous landmark has been replaced by some horrible gold monstrosity Trump has thought of himself.
Sharing smug holiday photos
If you’re someone who posts endless photos reminding people you’re on an amazing and expensive holiday, with smug captions like ‘Not a bad place to spend the week!’, the US authorities may decide there’s too much of a risk of you capturing something untoward in the background, such as ICE agents arresting a small child at gunpoint. You’ll be on the next plane home, and for once this is a draconian rule your friends will approve of.
