AUSTRALIAN teens are the first demographic to be banned from social media, but they shouldn’t be the last. These six have no right to intrude on your evening doomscroll: 

All teenagers

Banning Australian teens is an admirable step towards ridding the world of bullshit, but the global community needs to go further. Limiting social media access by removing anyone under 20 will encourage kids to pursue wholesome activities from yesteryear, such as drinking cider in the park and getting pregnant. A better world, without Snapchat, is available. 

Your ex and her new man

She’s blocked your actual account but you still see her on your alts, laughing with him, holding him. You could stop looking or move on emotionally but you’re not strong enough to do either. The only logical option left is for a total ban on people who endured your romantic company for more than three months. So that’s another four people banned.

Old school friends looking to reconnect

Nobody sincerely cares what their school contemporaries are up to. They only want to see if their lives have gone to shit, or if not share embarrassing tales to make it so. Banning these losers will send the message that they failed to receive back then: you hate them and want nothing to do with them.

Your gran

Social media didn’t connect your gran to pages about charming community gardens or innovative new scone recipes. Instead, it turbocharged her worst views by exposing her to local right-wing Facebook groups. Brexit wouldn’t have happened if she had never logged on, which is reason enough to blacklist her from all platforms forever.

Anyone who might employ you in the future

The internet never forgets. Every photo of you off your tits, every like under a large-breasted model’s Instagram story? All there forever. This is only a problem if you live in a society where bosses trawl through a potential candidate’s social media accounts before inviting them for an interview. We do live in that society. 

Everyone else

Social media no longer benefits anyone. The initial giddy rush of interacting with friends and celebrities has long since faded, replaced with weaponised disinformation and ragebaiting content farms. It was good for a while but now it’s deader than The X-Factor. Get rid of the lot of it and rediscover the joy of mindless 2am channel surfing.