British Teacher Held In Cuddly-Toy Namers' Wing

THE British teacher who allowed her pupils to name a teddy bear after a person has been sent to the maximum security, toy-namers’ wing of Sudan’s toughest women’s prison.

Gillian Gibbons will spend 15 days in the Blasphemers’ Unit in Omdurman Penitentiary, surrounded by some of the country’s most vicious and notorious toy-namers.

Her cell-mates will include Razi Al-Kamari, serving 12 years for suggesting the Prophet Muhammad would have admired the silky, golden hair of her daughter’s Barbie doll.

Gibbons will also be forced to eat alongside Mina Al-Bashir, half way through a 10 year sentence for naming a Kermit the Frog pyjama case after the third century mystic, Abu Yazid al-Bestami.

But most feared is Allana Al-Magri, the Terror of Khartoum, serving three life sentences for telling her seven year-old son that the Prophet Muhammad was ‘basically a Transformer with a beard’.

Foreign secretary David Milliband is to meet his Sudanese opposite number later today to ask him how much money he would like to donate to the Labour Party.

Meanwhile radical Islamists in Syria have struck back at the UK by renaming a gang of suicide bombers after Del Boy, Rodney and Uncle Albert from Only Fools and Horses.

In a statement released on the internet they said: “Stick a pony in my pocket and In the Name of Allah I shall fetch the suitcase from the van.”

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Immigrants 'Too Cheerful', Says Morrissey

SINGER Morrissey is refusing to come back to Britain because the country's immigrant population smile too much. 

The former Smiths' frontman said the miserable country of his youth now looked like an African wedding, full of vibrant people in brightly coloured clothes wiggling their bottoms erotically.

"Maybe it’s because their faces are so black but they all seem to have these big white grins all the time," he said.

Morrissey added: "Generally speaking, I like to write songs about people killing themselves because they're simply too English to go on living.

"It's doesn’t sound like much fun, but it has allowed me the opportunity to buy houses in foreign countries.”

Morrisey said he only came back to Britain to “refuel his grimness” and had expected to find the country filled with depressed immigrants forced into lives of relentless poverty by the international meat industry.

"They should be begging me to write a wry and haunting song about their miserable lives, but instead they just smile and wave at me and tell me to cheer up."

The widely-travelled superstar stressed that he liked Germany because it had retained its culture and its trains were incredibly punctual, and Sweden because everyone wanted to commit suicide.