Trump expels 60 Russian porn stars

DONALD Trump has expelled 60 top Russian adult movie stars from the US in response to the Stormy Daniels TV interview.

The White House confirmed the move saying that Trump had hand-picked the actors to be repatriated from a list that just happened to be on his computer.

A White House spokesperson said: “If we let these Russian performers stay then we run the risk of more hard-hitting hour-long interviews about the president’s slug-like naked body, and how it looks like 250 pounds of raw sausage meat removed from its casing.”

Russian porn actor ‘Angel Delight’ said: “I think it’s very unhelpful, especially as I’ve been lined up by the Kremlin to be the next president.”

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Mysterious guy actually just a dick

A MAN who affects an air of mystery is actually just a dick, it has been confirmed.

Nathan Muir is perceived as a mysterious intellectual because he gives monosyllabic answers with a wry smile that often leave people feeling stupid and awkward.  

Recent acquaintance Tom Booker said: “A friend described Nathan as a ‘fascinating enigma’ and said that ‘in many ways he’s unknowable.’

“But I tried to talk to him for two hours at a bar and came to the conclusion he might actually just be a cock.

“I was told that he’s a film director so his bouts of silence are probably because he’s internally grappling with an artistic truth.

“Then I discovered his most recent project was an advert for Burger King.” 

Muir’s ex-girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “He’s a twat. Mystery solved.”