DO you feel a minor conviction might give you some much-need street cred? Get yourself nabbed for one of these misdemeanours:
Fishing without a licence
Fishing is a pretty nerdy hobby, but you can up your stats as a dangerous rebel a notch by doing it illegally. Why should you pay for a rod licence anyway? You don’t need a jam-jar licence for catching a spider. Being collared by a bailiff will prove you’re a devil-may-care rebel who’s really sticking it to the system. But mainly the fish.
Protesting
Being hassled by the pigs for opposing social injustice will increase your coolness and probably your sex appeal. You’ll probably only end up with a caution, and your story can grow bigger with every telling. Just be sure to pick a worthy cause like Gaza or a counter-fascist demo. A Stop The Boats rally will mark you down as a weird racist, and Just Stop Oil has a very middle-class image. Plus you might be a victim of Starmer’s fascist anti-protest tendencies and get 12 years for chucking soup on perspex.
Low-level cannabis possession
Being arrested for having a nominal quantity of weed for personal use will prove you’re down with the kids. Except your thumbnail-sized piece of black is something they’ll think only old people smoke as they inhale proper Lemon Haze skunk. Still, you’ll feel like a rock star – they’re mostly old and past-it now too – although that’s scant compensation for all the pinhole burns in your favourite top.
Streaking at a cricket match
Cricket is boring as f**k, so liven the occasion up a bit by getting pissed, stripping off and running around the pitch to cheers from similarly inebriated spectators. Just be careful not to get too close to the actual players, unless you want your adventure to end with a bat-shaped bruise across your arse. A moderate fine is the most likely outcome, but the real punishment will be sobering up and realising you’re on every TV news bulletin. Tits are always a crowd-pleaser, but men run the risk of the whole nation knowing what an unimpressive penis you have.
Illegal street art
Banksy would be up to his eyeballs in muff if groupies knew who he was. Improve on his badly thought-out strategy by spray-painting a crude mural on a wall then signing with your name. You’ll become an instant aerosol-wielding anti-hero, so you might get a shag before your inevitable public humiliation as the magistrates give you a community order and make you scrub off your graffiti like a naughty child.
Knocking out pirate DVDs
Hollywood actors make a shitting fortune, so stick it to the capitalist regime by copying loads of movies to sell, then realising no one watches DVDs anymore. You might be able to target the market niche of people who like a shelf of actual physical DVDs, but then you’ll have to copy special edition extras like a book of HR Giger art which is a huge faff. It doesn’t help that all the popular franchises are looking spent at the moment, and the courts are unlikely to waste their time on someone with 30 unsold copies of The Mandalorian & Grogu.
