Half-cup bra facemasks, and the other quarantine fashions this season

AS spring bursts into bloom and lockdown rolls on, it’s time to think about the new season’s hot looks. What are you wearing in your hallway or kitchen?

Lightweight two-season dressing gown

Wave goodbye to frumpy, outdated towelling robes and slip on a lightweight number that will, as has become tradition, be worn for 16 hours every day and only be removed for Zoom calls and showers.

Weird old football shorts

Early lockdown was the era of the sweatpant, but with sunshine comes the opportunity to get your knees out in some bizarre old football shorts that you honestly couldn’t cite the provenance of if your life depended on it. Works equally well for men and women.

Damp, musty workout clothes

Maintaining fitness is crucial, but rushing to change afterwards like you used to back when people could see you? Less so. Let your damp, rancid workout clothes act as a welcome cooling system as the days heat up.

A five-day sock system

Wear your socks for five days minimum. A lockdown fashion staple that’s going nowhere between seasons. Because, really, who is changing their socks every day right now? Even David Gandy can’t see the point.

Half-cup bra facemask

Haven’t got a facemask? Simply cut an old bra in two and use one cup to cover, and offer support to, the lower half of your face. Perfect for two-metre distant flirtation in the Lidl queue.

Stains

A great way to mark the new season is by changing up your stain patterns. While gravy and tea were all the rage, the spring palette is all about ketchup, barbecue sauce and smoothies where you left the lid off the Nutribullet. Wine stains continue to be very chic.

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Furloughed man with no kids and a garden living like a f**king king

A MAN on 80 per cent pay with no kids and a spacious garden is living like the f**king king of lockdown, he has confirmed. 

Joseph Turner of Dorking is being paid to sit in the sun all day then wasting his evenings playing Overwatch without fear of reproach, and feels like he has ‘won the lockdown lottery’.

He continued: “I don’t want to seem insensitive, because I know how hard it is for frontline workers and all that, but this is like England winning the World Cup for me.

“When work told me I was furloughed I punched the air, changed into some shorts, and started soaking up some rays.

“Now I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. My daily routine is waking up mid-afternoon, getting wasted in the garden, and more masturbation than the body can handle.

“My hedonistic lifestyle is being bankrolled by taxpayers. It’s like being a student again.

“A lot of people have got it worse off than me. Nearly everybody. Mimosa for breakfast? Why not. Let the good times roll.”