Port Talbot and other top UK holiday destinations now everywhere's booked

THANKS to Covid, even Britain’s least desirable tourist towns are totally booked up. Where could you go instead?

Coventry

Did you know that Coventry boasts more loading bays than any other city in Europe? Why not count them all to find out if this is a genuine fact? It will be the most interesting part of your holiday, aside from a day trip to Birmingham’s majestic Spaghetti Junction.

Doncaster

Consistently voted one of the UK’s worst places to live, Doncaster is sure to have plenty of accommodation available, even during Covid. It’s got a minster, just like nearby York, but aside from that the only entertainment is fighting with feral stag and hen parties and a spot of souvenir hunting in Poundland.

Cumbernauld

Visit Scotland and enjoy its breathtaking landscapes and friendly hostelries. Except you can’t, as they’ll be teeming with middle-class English people who booked everything out three months ago. Apart from Cumbernauld, a Brutalist monstrosity of a town featuring Britain’s first ever shopping centre and miles of scary, deserted underpasses. It’s a place you’d only go to if you had no other option, which you haven’t.

B&Q car park, Lower Sydenham, South London

Campsites booked? Take the camper van to this car park. It’s an easy journey and you can enjoy retail paradise in the form of an enormous Tesco, a Carphone Warehouse and a McDonald’s drive-thru. Genuinely more fun than a midge-infested campground in rural Northumberland.

Port Talbot

Who doesn’t want to spend their holiday looking at a view of the largest steelworks in the UK belching smoke out day and night? Everyone, which is why you’ll easily be able to book into a B&B in the middle of the summer holidays. The best nearby attraction is Newport, where you can get your passport renewed ready to get the f**k out of this country next year.

The five dickheads you only meet in nightclubs

TEMPTED to go clubbing now they’ve reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again:

Creepy guys

What are those mysterious shadowy figures, lurking by the walls? Ah, it’s men with receding hairlines and poorly-fitting jeans prowling for their next catch. Look out for the classic moves: slithering past with clammy hands on your hips, a devastating attempt at dancing, and not understanding the word ‘no’.

Students from societies

University sports societies. Rugby initiations. Packs of lads who think it’s absolute top bants to dress up in costumes and chant things. Do not go near them unless you want an armpit in the face and beer spilt on your head.

Girls that are far too pissed

These girls got unbelievably wrecked on Echo Falls before coming out and are having the best night of their lives. Shame they’re going to ruin yours. They will knock your drink out of your hand, impale your feet with their heels, then stumble off for an epic vomiting and crying session in the loo.

The interrupting DJ

For many DJs, it is a contractual obligation to not let a song go by without screaming at everyone to put their f**king hands up. To be fair, they’re just pressing play on Spotify, so they need something to occupy them aside from ignoring the endless requests to play Mr. Brightside again.

The just-turned-18

Children. Children in clubs. Looking trendy and full of youthful vitality. Are they laughing at you? They’re definitely laughing at you. They’ve sent a Snapchat or something of you to all of their friends. Time to go home.