THANKS to Covid, even Britain’s least desirable tourist towns are totally booked up. Where could you go instead?
Coventry
Did you know that Coventry boasts more loading bays than any other city in Europe? Why not count them all to find out if this is a genuine fact? It will be the most interesting part of your holiday, aside from a day trip to Birmingham’s majestic Spaghetti Junction.
Doncaster
Consistently voted one of the UK’s worst places to live, Doncaster is sure to have plenty of accommodation available, even during Covid. It’s got a minster, just like nearby York, but aside from that the only entertainment is fighting with feral stag and hen parties and a spot of souvenir hunting in Poundland.
Cumbernauld
Visit Scotland and enjoy its breathtaking landscapes and friendly hostelries. Except you can’t, as they’ll be teeming with middle-class English people who booked everything out three months ago. Apart from Cumbernauld, a Brutalist monstrosity of a town featuring Britain’s first ever shopping centre and miles of scary, deserted underpasses. It’s a place you’d only go to if you had no other option, which you haven’t.
B&Q car park, Lower Sydenham, South London
Campsites booked? Take the camper van to this car park. It’s an easy journey and you can enjoy retail paradise in the form of an enormous Tesco, a Carphone Warehouse and a McDonald’s drive-thru. Genuinely more fun than a midge-infested campground in rural Northumberland.
Port Talbot
Who doesn’t want to spend their holiday looking at a view of the largest steelworks in the UK belching smoke out day and night? Everyone, which is why you’ll easily be able to book into a B&B in the middle of the summer holidays. The best nearby attraction is Newport, where you can get your passport renewed ready to get the f**k out of this country next year.
