IDLY scrolling through your banking app, you begin to wonder what the f**k all these monthly payments are actually for. These are the bastards bleeding you dry:
Gym membership
Signed up to following a bad photo of yourself three years ago. Last attended in June 2025. The £36 a month has stayed significantly more committed than you did.
Hinge+
Upgraded in a low moment to see who’d liked you. It was one bot and a man called Gaz, aged 51, holding a large fish.
The Economist
It’s still unsure who you the f**k you thought you were when you signed up to this. The unread pile is now as high as the toilet bowl.
Quibz
You’d never heard of this streaming platform before but signed up for a free trial to watch a single film. Two weeks later it renewed into an annual plan and you’re now a Quibz Platinum member.
Drizzl
Another streaming platform. Never heard of it. Another free trial. You are apparently Drizzl Elite.
Zumo
Yet another streaming platform. The only evidence this one even exists is your monthly payment.
A document-scanning app
Used once to scan a parking permit. Inexplicably £180 a year. Nobody has ever found the option to cancel.
A financial management app
You subscribed to an app to help get rid of all your subscriptions and all you ended up with was another subscription, because you are incapable of learning.
Extra cloud storage
£2.49 a month for 200GB, 190 of which is screenshots of memes from a group chat you dearly wish you could leave.
A meditation app
You downloaded this in the hopes of reducing stress. The most recent payment put you into your overdraft.
A parking app
Required by a car park in Basingstoke you’ve never been back to. Charged you 30p to avoid a ticket, then 99p a month ever since. The car park is now flats.
Adobe something
You needed to edit one PDF for work. You are now subscribed to a suite of professional creative tools used by Hollywood studios.
A razor subscription box
Five blades and beard oil arrive monthly. You’re unaware of this because your downstairs neighbour steals them.
Super Duolingo
You think you might have known how to introduce yourself in French the last time you used this, but can’t be sure. Quel dommage.
A vitamin gummy subscription
A box of suspiciously colourful gummies turns up for an immune system you can’t ever remember worrying about.
Antivirus software
Renewed itself for a third year to protect a laptop you recycled last summer.
