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How to handle seeing a girl your boyfriend would definitely fancy

THERE she is, waiting for her coffee order as if she’s done nothing wrong knowing full well your boyfriend would be all over her if he were here, which he isn’t. Here’s how to cope:

Text him angrily

All that’s standing between you and your beloved straining at the leash to betray you? His absence. Not the love and fidelity he’s pledged. Not all you’ve shared together. Fire off a text to let him know what a fickle, shallow arsehole he is, but without giving away it’s because you’ve seen her. ‘F**k you for not putting the bins out’ should do it.

Itemise defects

Her hair is too shiny, her tote bag quote annoying. That skinny with tits that big is ridiculous. There’s no way things would work between him and her. He’d be intimidated by constant competition from other men and irritated by her ten step skincare routine. You could look like that if only you were completely shallow and self-obsessed.

Feel pity and contempt for their age difference

She must be a good six years younger than him. There was a time when that would have constituted a police matter. Even though they’d both be in their 20s, it would be best if he signed some kind of a register. She’s essentially a 25-year-old infant with a child’s brain and he’s sick for even considering it.

Shudder with horror at his attempt to flirt

God, even his first approach to this vision of loveliness would be a crash-landing. She’s dated exclusively millionaires or gangsters since she turned 18 and in comes a data analyst from Croydon, stuttering and salivating and all he can think of to ask is ‘Do you like bread?’ She wouldn’t even answer and he’d walk away all defeated. Snooty bitch.

Leave as if nothing happened

You’ve just completed an entire emotional arc your partner will never know about. Receding behind you sits a stranger who has unknowingly participated in a relationship stress test. He should be ashamed, and she should be served with a restraining order which specifies it’s for whoredom. You? You’ve triumphed. Hold your head up high.

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Buying a single tin of tomatoes, and other vital car journeys Britons can't live without

WAR with Iran is disrupting fuel supplies worldwide, with the RAC urging Britons to drive less. Unfortunately impossible when you have to make critical journeys like these: 

Impressing non-existent girls

Young men driving around small towns to impress hot girls is a key mating activity, though hot girls often refuse to line the streets staring at cars for hours and you may encounter none. Nonetheless, groups of four men in a 2007 Citroën Saxo will continue because it works in Fast & Furious films.

Buying a single tin of tomatoes

You’ve committed to making forgettable spag bol and you’re f**ked if you’re going to spend 90 seconds rethinking your food plans, so driving to a shop 500 yards away is unavoidable. Offset the wastefulness of this journey by picking up a few other things that would facilitate easy meals in the near future? Nah. You’ve got a car.

Collecting a takeaway

Sure, the takeaway does deliveries, but them you’ve got to either pay a £3.50 delivery fee or take your order up to £20 with stuff you don’t want, the leftovers of which will look disgusting in the fridge the next day and make you doubt the wisdom of getting takeaways three nights a week. Better for everyone you collect it.

The school run

Non-parents can’t understand the joyous convenience of getting rid of all the little bastards in one roundabout journey, rather than trailing along while they marvel at the wonders of nature and shit. Explain you only have one life and you can’t spend it waiting for an eight-year-old to get bored of looking at dew on a bloody spider’s web.

Listening to techno in a supermarket car park

Not the activity of the average Volvo owner, but but if you’re a 17-year-old with a modded hatchback you absolutely will drive to a deserted car park at night to listen to music in the cold. Donuts may be involved, but it’s still a miserable activity that would be considered unacceptably cruel if the state made petty offenders do it.

Taking your kids to activities they hate and will give up

If middle-class, transporting your progeny to lessons they hate is 80 per cent of every evening. Whether piano lessons or gymnastics, whether Scouts or tap dance, it’s pointless and necessary. A longitudinal study of what proportion of children made to learn the violin play it in adulthood should be carried out. The economy of north London would collapse.

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