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How to keep your man interested by treating him like shit, by a plumber

YOU know who gets texts from blokes, ignores them and it only makes them want me more? Me over here, a licensed plumber. Need him hungry for you, girls? Do this: 

Don’t respond to messages too quickly

You can’t be answering immediately. Makes you seem cheap. They have to be reminded they need you more than you need them. And go ahead and tease a little. Men like mystery. Make them wait in all night then send a last-minute text saying you’ve got another job that’s gone long but you’ll try to get to them sometime later this month. They love that.

Never let him know what you’re thinking

Keep him on his toes. Seem friendly, then give them the silent treatment. Say you’re nipping down Screwfix for a part then don’t come back for two days. Act like it’s no big deal it being a Sunday, then casually drop in that it’s double-time with a call-out fee once they’re committed.

Let him chase you

Set times you don’t show up for, book in dates you’re no intention of making, and when he’s had enough that’s when you reach out with a 750-word WhatsApp message revealing you’ve been going through some personal stuff lately but it’s over now and you are ready to make this work. Then don’t turn up again.

Reinforce that you have all the power

He can complain, he can vent, he can say ‘I thought we’d agreed this’ and ‘I don’t think I’m getting what I wanted’ but remember you have the power tools and the power. He’s completely dependent on you and he knows it. If you walk out now he’s completely f**ked. If he threatens to find someone else? You know how tough it is out there. He won’t.

Go bloody crazy on his pipes

Finally, give him the payoff. Show him you know your way around a pipe like nobody he’s ever let get down on their knees and see what’s flowing. Service good and bloody hard until he’s gasping with delight, then quote for six days’ work.

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'Must thrive in a fast-paced hardline Islamic environment': The LinkedIn advert for security chief of Iran

A SENIOR position has become vacant within the Iranian government, which may be a lateral move but would look excellent on your CV. Here’s the listing: 

The job

Tehran, Iran. Full-time, temporary for 12 months. 0 applicants. Posted: 1 day ago

Proactive self-starter required to manage security of Middle East theocracy during exciting period of restructuring.

Your role

Key tasks will be: oversee costly war of attrition against vastly superior military, avoid complete collapse of Iranian society, organise annual office bonding brunch.

You will develop an effective communications strategy to promote the goals of our authoritarian regime. As support, your key adversary will be an insufferable orange narcissist who would very much like to move on from his error.

Some working from bunkers and being moved between secure locations when you think you hear an Israeli drone approaching will be required.

Who you are 

Ideally you will have a strong interest in avenging the death of martyrs with American blood and a firm grasp of the operational range of Shahed drones. Experience of spreadsheets and managing a small office kitchen a plus.

You will attend ‘meet and greet’ events with the public, so the role would suit a people person, although one comfortable with having protesters executed. We pride ourselves on being a sectarian employer so non-Shia Muslims need not apply.

A proven track record of thinking outside the box and an ability to circle back to identify low-hanging fruit will be an advantage, because you cannot escape that bullshit even in Iran.

Salary and conditions

You will not receive a formal salary but will be encouraged to build up your own secretive financial empire, siphoning oil wealth into a range of accounts and ventures.

All staff are entitled to a generous six weeks of paid leave, although currently this must be taken within the country.

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