The top six dating apps, rated on dick pics alone

15th May 2025

ON the apps? Then you’ll know they vary wildly in terms of the frequency, clarity and quality of their unsolicited dick pics. Single girl Hannah Tomlinson rates them:

Best for quantity: Tinder

If you want to wander through an endless field of straining erections, running your hands through them wild and carefree, then Tinder is the original and best. Often its users will ghost you immediately after the dick pic, recognising you’ve got what you want now and moving on. And they’re right to.

Best for carefully-shot dick pics: Hinge

A platform for aesthetes, the average male Hinge user knows it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how it’s lit. Often a graduate of film school or bokeh enthusiast, he’s posed his member as dramatically as if it were Colin Firth striding out of a lake. No wonder he’s proud and sharing it within moments of the first hello!

Best for weird dicks: Feeld

Originally for threesomes, there’s an off-putting seriousness about these dick pics. Their owners actually expect you engage with them as penises, not just as a lovely fleshy bouquet presented to a paramour. Still, if you like piercing, tattoos and dinky little bondage harnesses this is the place. One was in a kilt.

Best for sad little relationship dicks: Bumble

It used to be that women made the first move on Bumble, and these are exactly the dick pics you’d expect from that: shyly presented with embarrassment and no real hope of being met with enthusiasm. All these dick pics ask for is grudging acceptance and the chance to father a child then be left alone forever.

Best for quality: Grindr

Now these are the dick pics you’ve been waiting for your whole life. I swiped through in awe, at one point shouting ‘Frame it and put it in the Louvre!’ to an empty room. Athletic, unashamed, battle-hardened and DTF, these dicks spoke to me. But, without the fake profile declaring me to be Gavin of Hoxton, their owners wouldn’t.

Best for spontaneity: Leaving AirDrop open on your iPhone on the Northern line

Romance is about surprise. So what could be more surprising than journeying from Nine Elms to Archway only to find your phone buzzing with a plethora of dick pics? Large, small, white, black, erect or droopy, all penile life is here. Truly we live in an enlightened age.

How to judge your shag by the posters in their flat

15th May 2025

IF you’re about to shag someone you’ve just met, you can at least try to work out what they’re like from their posters and prints. Here’s what you can deduce from their ‘art’.

First edition book covers

A Wuthering Heights cover suggests a passionate person who shares Heathcliff and Cathy’s burning desire. However literary classics never contain actual sex scenes, so it’s no guarantee you’re in for an amazing shag. Conversely, if your partner has Kama Sutra art on the wall they’ll be good in bed but completely insane. Get out before they start telling you about their f**king guardian angel.

Stunted humour

The artists on Etsy are unrivalled at churning out lazy visual humour for idiots, like the one you’ve just gone home with. A 50s housewife saying ‘I’m fine!’ as a pan blazes dangerously on the cooker barely even qualifies as a joke. You honestly don’t want to encourage anyone to think Instagram memes are the zenith of humour, not even with a half-hearted handjob. Time to call a cab.

Retro aperitif adverts

It’s unlikely any young-ish person has a genuine love of Cinzano, a drink known for its ads with Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins in the 70s. So posters of 1950s adverts for aperitifs like Aperol are more likely to be a half-arsed attempt to look slightly Europhile. Which makes your imminent sexual partner a bit shallow, but on the other hand you’re getting a shag. That’s assuming they don’t suddenly barf up all those sickly, bright orange drinks they’ve been necking.

Hand-drawn kitchen ingredients

That framed picture of chilli varieties is hiding powerful nympho energy behind a facade of domesticity, right? And the one of labelled oyster types looks very pornographic. But before you get too excited about the red-hot sex to come, bear in mind everyone pretends to be interested in cooking these days. Surreptitiously check their fridge. If it’s actually full of boring ready meals you’ll be lucky to get a ten-second blowjob.

Pretentious sci-fi movies

Even if your shag’s posters show they have cult film taste, they’re still a nerd who has the hots for Leeloo or Rick Deckard or someone else not real. Obviously there’s a difference between lame stuff with characters 80s virgins used to fancy – sorry, Colonel Deering – and upmarket Villeneuve sci-fi, but if the date involves sitting through multiple hours of intergalactic backstory, you may find yourself shagging someone considerably less cool than C-3PO.

Non-ironic inspirational quotes

Walking into a bedroom containing a Rupi Kaur poem or some self-congratulatory bullshit like ‘I can and I will. Watch me’ indicates you are with a self-absorbed self-help wanker who either has no real problems or is a pit of neuroses so deep Cthulhu’s probably down there. Are you ready for a long and tedious analysis of everything you do and how you ‘fit together’ as a couple? No. It’s only been two hours since your Curry Club date at the local Spoons.

Celebrity portraits

Learning who your one-night stand admires should really happen organically by talking to them, not crossing their threshold and being confronted by endless ‘iconic’ Jim Morrison posters or Frida Kahlo staring angrily at you from every wall. The only upside is that if you can’t move your eyeballs without seeing another image of Debbie Harry on a mug, poster or calendar, at least you know who your date will be imagining while they’re having sex with you.