Subscribe

When the woman isn't that hot, and other times age-gap relationships are okay

AGE-GAP relationships are often frowned up – except in certain circumstances where people strangely don’t care about shagging an old person. Such as these…

She’s over 40

Public concern about the power imbalance evaporates the moment she has a few grey hairs and wrinkles. An 80-year-old man with a 41-year-old woman stops being a moral case study and instead is a charming tale of two oldies finding love in later life. It may even raise concerns that she’s too old for him to fancy her. Indeed, she is lucky not to have been left on the shelf at her age.

She’s not that hot

If she is cursed with normal looks rather than captivating beauty, public interest collapses instantly. And the media will feel it raises awkward questions about his motives if he’s famous, namely why he’s in an age-gap relationship but not with a smoking hot 22-year-old with massive tits. For them, liking your partner as a person is a terrible basis for a relationship. It’s just so hard to monetise into outrage.

She is there of her own free will

No juicy professor-student coupling? No boss and secretary scenario probably involving sex on desks? Boring. Two consenting adults with no power imbalance who are free to separate whenever they choose is a nightmare for newspaper columnists. There’s very little to turn into a condemnatory think-piece which also features enough implied sex for readers to have a wank over. 

It’s a one-off

Leonardo DiCaprio has set the standard for these sorts of affairs, presumably gifting each 20-something girlfriend with a clock to show her how much time she has left. However even if you weren’t in Titanic a short-lived relationship is unlikely to generate much interest; she’s sated her curiosity about sex with older men, and his envious mates are glad when he shuts up about it. 

It’s an older woman

The prevailing view is that when an older woman dates a significantly younger fella, he is thanking his lucky stars for a masterclass in sexual enlightenment. Meanwhile she is blessed to be seen in public with a man who doesn’t make a noise when sitting down. Although there will still be those who disapprove of an innocent young man being exploited by a wizened old crone of 37.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

England's victory was won for bigotry and no-strings-attached £5m gifts, says Farage

LAST night, the England team won. And they won for English values: casual bigotry, smoking cigarettes and generous gifts from crypto billionaires.

Yes, players like Harry Kane, Jordan Pickford and others who I prefer not to name did their country proud. And they did it not for multicultural values or the NHS or the right to peaceful assembly or any of that nonsense. They did it for me.

They did it for the man drinking five pints every lunchtime in the saloon bar. They did it for the boys in the City, for the farmers, for Jeremy Clarkson’s prostate and most of all for those who, through sheer dogged common sense, were given five million quid.

Because is that not what it is to be British? To receive, without obligation or the need to disclose it to parliamentary authorities, a gift from a friend. A friend who donated £6m to the Brexit Party and a further £22m to Reform, expecting nothing in return.

Why did Harry Kane stutter during that first penalty? Because he had doubts. Because he thought ‘If England is not a country where one can be given life-changing sums without suspicion, should I even bother?’

But then, as the referee ordered it to be retaken, he decided ‘No. No, England is not that country and never will be. It is a land of hope, glory and £5m into the bank account, no questions asked.’ And scored. And thanks to his two goals (and others) we won.

I daresay we’ll win the entire tournament, and if we don’t it’s the fault of Restore, Andy Burnham, Labour and the Conservatives in that order. Also certain other members of the England squad may not have pulled their weight which is typical.

No matter what, last night’s victory – on ITV not the Marxist BBC, I note – settles one thing, once and for all. England is great and that money is mine. No further questions.

Next story ›