We won’t give them phones, and other ways new parents delude themselves

ALL expecting parents start out with good intentions, but they rapidly fall apart once the kid arrives. Say goodbye to these plans.

That bloody hoody, and other clothes your boyfriend should have chucked years ago

EVERY man's wardrobe contains horrors that he's weirdly attached to even though they should have been binned long ago. Like these:

Couple married for five years to try for sex

A MARRIED couple have decided that the time has come in their relationship to take their future seriously and try for sex.

Steak and ale pie, and five other aphrodisiacs for gammons

STRAWBERRIES and oysters are for poncey, continental types. Here gammon romance expert Roy Hobbs explains what gets a puce-faced Brexiter’s blood pumping even more.

'There's no spark' and other ways of telling your date you don't want to f**k them

STRUGGLING to find a polite way of letting your date know they absolutely won’t be getting laid tonight? Pull out any of these stock phrases.

'Hubba hubba', and other things you get away with saying if you have hot guy privilege

MEN know what they’re not allowed to say anymore and don’t – unless they’re got chiselled jawlines and great hair, in which case they still come out with these.

I kissed an American girl, and four other lies teenage pricks told about their holidays

TEENAGERS holidaying with their parents spend all day working out the fortnight-long lie they’ll tell their mates. Including these elements.

Woman on terrible date has fingers crossed she'll be ghosted

A WOMAN on a terrible date with a dickhead is secretly hoping she will be ghosted by him when it is over.

Have your partner's quirky traits crossed the line to become f**king unbearable?

AFTER several years together, which of your partner’s once adorable quirks have developed into utterly unacceptable character flaws?

Be prepared to destroy your entire relationship for a single night - how to have a threesome

ARE you ready to turn straightforward sex into a logistical nightmare, all so you can boast about it to your mates? Here’s a guide to having an unforgettably unsatisfying night.