Relationships

Kash Patel's guide for ugly men dating someone genuinely hot

UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.

Jack and Rose of Titanic, and other cinematic couples who wouldn't have stayed together

SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either.

Rachel Weisz, Carey Mulligan and other crushes your wife allows because they reflect well on her

IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted.

JD Vance's guide to controlling women for their own good

JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies - for her and you.

Woman who has dumped useless boyfriend in market for exact replica

A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.

How to win the pretty lady's heart by staring: A guide for creepy men

SHE is so lovely, and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so.

Man with truly crazy exes struggling to describe them without sounding like a shit

A MAN whose ex-girlfriends could reasonably be labelled as insane is having a hard time describing them without sounding awful.

Shagging abroad isn't included, and other body count rules

WHAT happens in Faliraki stays in Faliraki. And here are more rules for what to say when someone asks about your ‘body count’.

Woman hilariously worried boyfriend might be troubled by her bisexuality

A WOMAN is laughably concerned her new boyfriend might find her bisexuality off-putting, rather than an endless source of titillation.

Couple gleefully steals whole bank holiday weekend for wedding

A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people.