The tragic lengths you'll go to for hot people

ATTRACTIVE people reduce you to a simpering, servile mess. Here are the pathetic things you’ll do to impress them.

Have you just moved in with an annoying bastard?

YOU’VE moved into a new place with someone. Are you getting along, or are they irritating the living shit out of you? Take our test.

Retired mum yet to find hobby as fulfilling as pestering her children

DESPITE having time to pursue a range of interests, a retired mum has decided the thing she really enjoys is badgering her busy grown-up children.

Joining a cult, and other last ditch solutions if you can't find love

YET to find your soulmate? Worried you might be single forever? Never fear, here are five easy solutions to your problem.

We won’t give them phones, and other ways new parents delude themselves

ALL expecting parents start out with good intentions, but they rapidly fall apart once the kid arrives. Say goodbye to these plans.

That bloody hoody, and other clothes your boyfriend should have chucked years ago

EVERY man's wardrobe contains horrors that he's weirdly attached to even though they should have been binned long ago. Like these:

Couple married for five years to try for sex

A MARRIED couple have decided that the time has come in their relationship to take their future seriously and try for sex.

Steak and ale pie, and five other aphrodisiacs for gammons

STRAWBERRIES and oysters are for poncey, continental types. Here gammon romance expert Roy Hobbs explains what gets a puce-faced Brexiter’s blood pumping even more.

'There's no spark' and other ways of telling your date you don't want to f**k them

STRUGGLING to find a polite way of letting your date know they absolutely won’t be getting laid tonight? Pull out any of these stock phrases.

'Hubba hubba', and other things you get away with saying if you have hot guy privilege

MEN know what they’re not allowed to say anymore and don’t – unless they’re got chiselled jawlines and great hair, in which case they still come out with these.