All training to be done as a montage

THE government has announced a switch to montage-based training like in Rocky and The Karate Kid.

Montage training takes around three minutes and involves doing a number of vigorous activities to a soundtrack of anthemic rock.

A spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions said: “It takes nine weeks to train an RAF airman before they’re even allowed near a plane.

“But with montage training, they can be in the air doing a barrel roll by the key-change of Westlife’s Flying Without Wings.”

Legal clerk Eleanor Shaw said: “I was dreading my diversity training, even though you get a free sandwich buffet.

“But no sooner had it begun than I was high-fiving and building a water-powered rocket with a multicultural team to Ebony and Ivory, ending up with my arm around Vishala from customer relations.”

But graduate Tom Logan opposes the policy: “They say university is the best three years of your life, but for me it was over in the duration of Alice Cooper’s School’s Out.

“In the montage I pulled all-night essay sessions, got drunk while arguing about philosophy in the college bar and ran across the quad wearing nothing but a mortar board.

“I now have a degree in gender studies and debts of £60,000.”

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Russia and Ukraine still going to vote for each other in Eurovision

THE Ukraine and Russia are to give each other maximum points in the Eurovision song contest despite basically being at war.

In a private call, Vladimir Putin and acting Ukrainian President Olensandr Turchynov assured one another that whatever massive bloodshed might ensue, the ‘twelve point protocol’ would not be breached.

Turchynov said: “We deplore covert Russian efforts to annex our nation, but we just love Russia’s Tolmachevy Sisters and their bouncy entry Shine, with its uplifting message that we are all as bright as light bulbs.”

Putin said: “I cannot rule out using nuclear weapons against the Ukraine, but there is no question of us not awarding ‘douze points’ to Ukraine’s Maria Yaremchuk and her perky ditty Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

“I mean come on, it’s so catchy and just makes you move your hips.”

International military analyst Julian Cook said: “It is important to understand the East European mentality in these matters. When it comes to doing down the arrogant United Kingdom, they are united.

“They piss from on high on your Engelbert Humperdinck. They shit in the mouth of your Bonnie Tyler.”