Are you in hell or at a kid's birthday party?

CAN you hear Baby Shark? Is a five-year-old hitting you with a balloon for no reason, while his oblivious father makes bets on his phone?

Could this be the pit of the damned, or a children’s party? Take our quiz:

How have you spent your morning? 

a) Woken up, remembered the fucking party, dashed to Home Bargains and picked up a cheap tie-in to whichever film performed underwhelmingly at the box office eight months ago

b) Having chosen a thoughtful gift from an ethical retailer three weeks ago and wrapped it last night, you helped the children put the finishing touches on their homemade birthday cards and set off

Which sentence best describes your party destination?

a) A freezing breezeblock warehouse stinking of urine, vomit and chicken nuggets filled with feral children running around screaming catchphrases from Netflix shows

b) The parents of the birthday child’s beautiful Georgian home where happy, angelic children play pin the tail on the donkey while you sip a civilised flute of prosecco

How much fun are the children having? 

a) Your child has kicked off because you suggested they have some sandwiches with their crisps, because you won’t hand over £5 for the go-carts and because some kid keeps whacking them with a balloon

b) Their delightful, tinkling laughter echoes through from another room while you and the other parents chat about educational standards

It is time to leave! What happens now? 

a) You’re the first parent to lose your shit and scream at your kids because they were playing a game where they throw their shoes on top of a disused air-conditioning unit

b) Your children leave willingly when the party ends, politely thanking the host for a delightful time and skipping all the way home


Mostly As: You are in hell. Which is a kid’s party.

Mostly Bs: You are at a children’s party, but only in your imagination. In reality, you have just passed out in the corner of a village hall after being repeatedly whacked with a balloon.

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Couple's relationship in crisis after phone-free evening

A COUPLE are strongly considering splitting up after deciding to turn off their phones for an entire evening.

Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis are bitterly regretting abstaining from their phones after a tedious and socially awkward evening of quality time.

Hollis said: “I thought it would be nice to spend some quality time together but once we’d covered ‘How was your day?’ we’d got fuck all to say to each other.

“After a short, stilted conversation about making pasta followed by tense silence I was gagging to mindlessly look at pictures of people I barely know having a nicer time than me on Instagram.

“Or videos of monkeys on skateboards or whatever. Just anything that’s more interesting than talking to that boring bastard Tom.”

Logan said: “Having quality time with Nikki was tolerable – just – but she doesn’t have the challenge and interactivity of a really good game on my phone.

“Also I’m sure she was waiting for me to be distracted so she could sneak her phone into the loo. That’s a side to her I haven’t seen before, the devious cow.”

Logan and Hollis are now planning to give their relationship “one last go” by spending an entire evening in silence posting on Facebook.