Subscribe

Dad simultaneously furious about potholes and roadworks

A FATHER is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.

Martin Bishop, aged 61, regularly shares his fury on local Facebook groups about the local authority letting streets run to rack and ruin, but his blood pressure really spikes when stopped by temporary traffic lights.

He continued: “Am I paying my council tax for these jokers to sit on their arses all day, while potholes ruin lives and suspensions?

“Then they turn around and close a main road for two months, adding five minutes to my journey time which adds up. Put it together and over a year I’d be twelve hours late for squash. Is that in any way acceptable?

“People say ‘you’re retired Martin’ and ‘chill out Martin’ and ‘you don’t need to immediately drive to Asda every time we run out of nutmeg Martin’ but that’s not the point. The point is this council has taken up arms in a war against motorists.

“It’s all right for councillors with their free eco-friendly helicopters, but pensioners like me need to use our BMWs to get places. Don’t even get me started on their lunatic policies like ‘bus lanes’ and ‘school zones’.”

Council spokesperson Eleanor Shaw said: “We recognise that potholes and roadworks are a common source of frustration for residents, and invite them to use their f**king brains for two f**king seconds to connect the two.

“Also, we welcome and value Martin’s feedback.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Shag the groom, and other desperate ways to avoid being a bridesmaid

BEEN honoured with the chance to organise a hen weekend nobody wants to attend and to wear a hideous dress? Get uninvited, fast:  

Announce your own wedding for the same day

Ideally your invite should arrive in the same post as theirs, and the wedding take place the same hour. Difficult if you didn’t have a long-term boyfriend ready for matrimony already, but nothing a quick trip to Wetherspoons can’t fix. For extra salt in the wound, invite your bride friend to be your bridesmaid.

Shag the groom

It’s for her own good, you rationalise as you ride her husband-to-be in their bed, because if he’s unfaithful now what hope for the marriage? Not only have you saved her betrothal to the wrong man, you’ve saved her thousands of pounds. Truly, no woman has ever taken one for the team more. Don’t do it on his stag night or he won’t remember.

Get pregnant

Bringing a new life into the world is a sacred act and shouldn’t be taken lightly, except as a way out of being a bridesmaid. Requires at least nine months notice and the same long-term boyfriend/quick trip to Wetherspoons caveat as earlier. And if that doesn’t put her off, say it’s the groom’s.

Go off grid

It’s not one day. It’s at least a year of being the sounding board about the flowers, the place settings, the first dance and all the other crap he couldn’t give a f**k about. Abandoning the world to live in a cave, foraging food and shunning society is preferable to assuaging a bride’s every insecurity and lying that she’s made the right decision.

Commit armed robbery

Being in on a heist in itself is not excuse enough, but being arrested, snitching out the rest of the gang, going into witness protection and beginning a new life in Canada might do it. There will always be a price on your head and one day you’ll be pulled over, double-tapped and die alone in snow, but you didn’t have to wear mauve satin.

Disagree with her once in public

Brides are not to be f**ked with. Wait until the first of many ‘fun and totally optional’ planning summits then, when everything’s going well, share a teeny-tiny quibble about whether the band are quite suitable. You will be immediately deleted from the party, and all WhatsApp and friendship groups. A social outcast for life. Worth it.

Next story ›