PARENTS have always f**ked up but it’s only lately that they’re part of a WhatsApp group keen to point it out. Here’s what you’ll mess up this week:
Not buying more shit from the PTA
Mother’s Day? Valentine’s? The 332nd anniversary of the Battle of the Boyne? There’s no occasion some bright spark at the PTA won’t use to squeeze money out of you to buy PE equipment. Expect a flyer demanding £15 for a celebratory afternoon tea, which is four Asda scones still in the packet and a foil-topped portion of jam.
Not being sufficiently interested when Maisie gets a cold
Maisie’s has ‘the sniffles’ and her mum has pinged all 32 other parents in the class WhatsApp group to tell them this. You f**k up by not being arsed to send a heartfelt ‘Get well soon!’, a forlorn crying face emoji, or bothering to tap out a grammatically incorrect suggestion such as ‘Has you try Calpol?’. This proves the other parents’ suspicions that you hate children.
Forgetting it’s yet another sodding dress up day
World Book Day is bad enough, but the school keeps sadistically throwing in extra dressing up days, which is why you’re sobbing over a 17th century mill worker’s costume at 2am because your child neglected to tell you about it until the night before. The WhatsApp group is showing up your total ineptitude by sharing images of the hand-embroidered bodices they’ve been creating over the last three weeks.
Not doing paper invites for your child’s party
Provoke confusion and irritation by using the WhatsApp group for the purpose it was set up for and inform the parents of the upcoming celebration. This appears straightforward but will provoke comments such as ‘Have searched Theo’s bag: no invitation. Lost?’ When the party arrives you will be severely tutted at, especially as your party bags are judged as woefully subpar.
Not searching your child’s bag on demand
Noah has lost his water bottle, please can all parents search their child’s bag IMMEDIATELY? Mess up by childishly typing out ‘Get f**ked, Noah’s mum’ and reflexively pressing send. Leave the group through sheer mortification and then realise you should have done this ages ago.