Food banks 'being abused by dole scroungers’, confirms man's fevered imagination

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

Bill McKay uncovered the shocking abuse of the system by combining vague accusations from tabloid newspapers with his ability to make things up.

McKay said: “It’s obvious people won’t buy food if you can go to a food bank and say, ‘I’ll have a 12-inch pepperoni and some Haagen-Dazs for afters’. That’s just logic.

“I can easily imagine an unemployed family getting back from the food bank and going, ‘Ha ha, look at all those idiots who work for a living! Come on, let’s buy some lager!’.

“I don’t actually know anyone who uses a food bank, but I’m pretty well-informed because I watch Channel 5’s Benefits UK: Idle Bastards on the Scrounge.”

McKay has now informed the authorities about the fraud by writing an incoherent post entirely in capital letters on a local newspaper website.

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Unpopular pub thrilled to be changing hands again

AN unsuccessful pub is sure that its fourth landlord in eight years will finally make everyone like it again.

The Lamb & Flag in Bedfordshire has struggled to attract customers since it changed hands in 2014, and has become increasingly downcast at being passed from landlord to landlord.

The first sign of trouble for the pub came when Roy Hobbs took it over and replaced the menu with ‘an exciting range of authentic Thai food’.

Local drinker Martin Bishop said: “That triggered an instant boycott. We had to send a message that not serving cod and chips with a little ramekin of tartar sauce was wholly unacceptable.

“After Roy there was some twat from London who served mashed potato in a miniature flower pot. We kicked his arse back to Shoreditch.”

The pub said: “Hopefully the new landlord will return me to being a ‘safe space’ for opinionated local bastards.”