Londoners running out of tube strike small talk

WORKERS are demanding postponement of the next tube strike so that they can think up fresh chit chat on the subject.

Union bosses confirmed further industrial action for August 5, which many Londoners feel is insufficient time for them to replenish their travel-based anecdotes and banter.

Recruitment consultant Nikki Hollis said: “When they vote on these things they don’t think of the effect it has on brief interactions between people with nothing in common.

“Last strike, I was the cock of the walk with my tale of how it took me five hours to walk to work and I had to use the toilet in a shop. How can I follow that?

“I’ve started putting together a short, dull monologue about taking up cycling to save some money and get fit but it’s nowhere near ready. ”

TFL has said it will offer conversational advisory noticeboards outside closed stations with key words such as ‘blitz’, ‘overpaid’ and ‘Thatcher’.

Many businesses will close on strike day, with bosses fearing that staff who have exhausted the novelty of their altered routes may begin to ask why they aren’t on strike themselves.

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Labour split on how to self-destruct

LABOUR members are divided on how best to lock the party out of power for a generation, it has emerged.

While many activists hope to accelerate irrelevance by supporting every part of the Conservative manifesto, others are urging the party to embrace an eccentric, unelectable zealot to ensure a rapid and total political meltdown.

Party supporter Joanna Kramer, from Bristol, said: “This leadership election could make a huge difference to how Labour’s obituaries are written. 

“I’m planning to vote for Andy Burnham, because he could singlehandedly bring about the end of the entire Labour movement through the sheer force of his lack of personality.

“Though I’m also impressed by Yvette Cooper’s record in making token criticisms of Tory austerity policies while voting for them at every opportunity. She might be the candidate to get us under that magical 30 per cent threshold.”

Labour voter Bill McKay, from Stockton, said: “I’m backing Jeremy Corbyn, because having yet another leader everybody thinks is an eccentric, out-of-touch socialist might be just the final nail we need.

“I might support Liz Kendall, though, just so the end can be swift.”