Six occasions in a horny man's life that are suffused with sexual tension

MALE? Horny? Convinced that every encounter with the opposite sex is absolutely bubbling with suppressed sexual energy? Especially these ones?

Bumping into a former colleague

You left that job because the lust between you was so thick in the air nobody could work, and also you failed your probation. Now here she is seductively poised at a bus stop a mere half-mile from your office like it’s a coincidence? No wonder she turned down coffee. It wouldn’t stop there.

Buying jeans

Maybe it was the way you poured yourself into raw denim, W36 L30, that made the attraction between you and the shop girl so obvious. Maybe it it was just pure animal heat. But no way were her compliments because she works on commission. She wanted you.

Eating lunch

You were chowing down manfully on your burger. She was seductively eating chicken wings nearby. Your eyes met. In that brief moment an erotic fantasy bloomed, basically Brief Encounter with less pissing about and more banging her over a table. She left. Still, you both knew.

Brief call from best friend’s wife

She didn’t have to call to say you’d left your jacket at their place last weekend. It could have been a text. She only picked up the phone because of that undeniable connection, one that neither of you can admit to because it would break his heart. So she disguises it with fake contempt.

Getting told to ‘f**k off’

You apologised when the jolting of the train slammed you into that girl, and what did she say? ‘F**k off’. She could have said anything, but she used a word associated with the act of love. Deliberately. There wasn’t a person in the carriage unaware of the electricity crackling between you.

Walking ahead of you wearing headphones and never once glancing back

And it didn’t end there. No doubt alerted to your towering sexual charisma by the train incident, the hot girl walking ten paces ahead with headphones didn’t even have to look around. The very air was sizzling. What a day, honestly. Is the whole world horny or is it just you?

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Hair of the dog: phrases to convince yourself to keep drinking like an idiot

NOT sure whether you need another drink or not? Utter one of these phrases and your doubt will instantly be washed away by another pint of lager.

Hair of the dog

This is an old English phrase that suggests a wound can be healed by placing on it a burnt hair of the rabid dog that bit you. It also works for booze because drinking more on top of a hangover will make you feel dreadful initially, but eventually you’ll be so pissed again that you’ll stop noticing.

One for the road

Uttering this phrase suggests you’re going to be leaving imminently, but, in reality, you’re actually settling in for at least another 45 minutes while you consume your drink. And when that one’s done, you’ll have another one for the road, and keep doing so up to the point you get kicked out and have to walk home absolutely shitfaced.

A toast to literally anyone

Raising a glass to a loved one or happy couple is a lovely gesture, unless you’re just using it as an excuse to prolong a lengthy boozing session. If the charging of glasses gets to the stage where you’re honouring Mr Brindle, your secondary school woodwork teacher, or Karl and Susan from Neighbours, it’s time to lower your glass and go home.

Waste not, want not

Don’t let being full to the brim with Stella put you off if there’s unwanted alcohol around. Simply utter the phrase ‘Waste not, want not’ and you have given yourself permission to disgustingly minesweep the remaining drinks on the table or bar. You’ll probably catch something and it will serve you right.

Whose round is it?

At this point, it doesn’t matter. You’re so pissed and full of bonhomie that you don’t care if it’s your round every time, you’ll happily whip out your card to buy the whole pub a drink. Your partner, on the other hand, will be furious when it pops up on the joint account app that you’ve just spent £157 in the Duke of York. Whoops.