'We got through the war and we'll get through this' says plumber born in 1977

A MAN born more than three decades after the Second World War is acting like he flew Spitfires against the Luftwaffe.

Martin Bishop, 41, from Lincoln, has declared that ‘we got through the war, and we will get through this’ despite being minus-38 years-old when Hitler invaded Poland.

Bishop regularly invokes the Second World War as an example of how he and others will be absolutely fine in the face of multiple crises, while having lived in complete comfort his whole life.

Historian Tom Logan said: “There is growing evidence that middle-aged people across Britain are referring to ‘Churchillian spirit’ while spending most of their lives in the pub or playing golf.”

D-Day veteran Norman Steele, who was 19 at the end of the war, added: “The last thing we want is anything compared to that shitshow again. But sure, tell us again how ‘we’ beat the Nazis you ham-faced bellend.”

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Irish border will be free of Popes, May assures DUP

POPE Francis of Rome will have no role in checking vehicles entering and leaving Northern Ireland, Theresa May has assured the DUP.

The prime minister believes the strongest selling point of her ramshackle Brexit deal to weird religious unionists is the lack of involvement by the papal Antichrist.

Speaking in Belfast, May said: “If the Pope wants to carry out phytosanitary checks on a truckload of refrigerated beef passing through Crossmaglen, that will not be allowed.

“Let me be clear – the Roman Catholic Church will have no say in border arrangements. Heavily armed cardinals from the Vatican setting up checkpoints is off the table.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said: “Obviously we welcome a Brexit free of Popery. However there is still the small matter of our many annoying, contradictory demands.

“We’ve just thought of a new one. Any milk, cheese or butter from the mainland or the Republic must not come from gay cows. Sort that or the deal’s off.

“Also for some reason the British government must pay us £455 million for this.”