Weirdo going to festival for the music

A WEIRD man has admitted that he is going to a music festival for the music.

Unlike the every other person attending the three-day gathering, Tom Booker is not planning to get fucked up, have sex or both.

He said: “I’m really looking forward to seeing so many of my favourite artists all in one place.

“I know it will be crowded and the toilets will be horrible and I’ll have to camp, but that’s a small price to pay for this kind of musical experience.”

He added that he would probably have a couple of pints per day, but wouldn’t want to be getting ‘out of control’.

The friends he will be camping with, meanwhile, have stocked up on beer, spirits, MDMA and enough weed to kill Snoop Dogg.

Booker added: “I’ve made a military-type plan which includes a good mix of headliners and interesting ‘up and coming’ bands, although I’m not afraid to be ‘in the moment’ if, for example, I stumble upon an interesting reggae act while I’m walking between stages.

“Then I’m going to go home and write a really fucking long review on my blog.”

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Man who believes in traditional gender roles wearing pink shirt

AN ‘old fashioned’ man with strict beliefs about how the sexes should behave also enjoys wearing pink shirts.

Julian Cook, 55, thinks women should be wives and mothers, boys should play rugby and girls should dress like princesses, but also enjoys wearing pink.

Cook said: “All this gender neutral business that’s going on at the moment is ridiculous. In my day, boys were boys, girls were girls and the only person who was somewhere in between was Dame Edna Everage.

 “I can wear pink because I’m a real man who also likes steam engines. However, if I liked knitting it would make me effeminate and gay, even if I were heterosexual, because those are the rules.

 “Also, it’s fine to cry at songs about war or the monarchy, but not about feelings. I know this because a vicar told me. He was actually wearing a frock at the time but he’s allowed to because God said he could.

“So it seems pretty clear to me that these traditions are biologically immutable and haven’t just been made as we go along.”