AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts:
Toilet golf
Mildly amusing idea, but in practice a waste of money, time and the planet’s resources. Will be binned unless the recipient has an ongoing constipation problem, spends endless painful hours on the toilet and has no phone. Fingers crossed!
A plastic elf that shits chocolate
Disgusting, unless this mystery colleague has a kink for elf coprophilia they’ve kept to themselves. However, deeply amusing for a slow-brained boring git with a crude sense of humour which describes at least half of your co-workers, so odds-on it’ll be a hit.
Bottle opener
Even in the shape of a Christmas tree or whatever, still an item so universal and basic you may as well have got them 40 freezer bags. They’d probably derive more pleasure from those.
OnlyFans calendar
Suitable for anyone male. Features an attractive woman on the cover but that turns out to be a hilarious joke because it’s… DESK FANS! The joke is too lame to merit hanging it up, and the giftee will be disappointed it’s not tits. Still, it counts.
Large bar of Cadbury’s milk chocolate
The amount of thought that went into this gift clocks in at well under five seconds, and £11 is only slightly above the £10 limit. If you begrudge the extra £1, get the insultingly small next size down and come out £4.50 ahead of the game.
Book of trivia
Within the 200 pages there must be a handful of interesting and surprising facts, surely? After a quick skim where you learn ‘The harmonica is the world’s top-selling musical instrument, due to its small size and affordable cost’ you accept you were wrong about that.
Candy machine
What fun! Your lucky colleague, whoever the f**k they are, will have a permanent supply of M&Ms or jellybeans to share with chums. Except it’s from Temu so it’s a quarter of the size, entirely different to the AI photo and breaks the first time they use it. It’s the lack of thought that counts.
Mousemat
A reminder that the recipient is a slave to computerised drudgery; less an individual with hopes and dreams than an organic component of Microsoft Office. Make it marginally less dull by choosing one about something you have no idea whether they’re into or not like Miffy, fishing or Marvel.
Bath bombs
Not a Lush one that costs a tenner, but a box of 24 from the indoor market. They won’t smell great and they will give the recipient cystitis. Good luck, Angela, whichever of the women who sit near the printers you are.
Rude Santa
Cheap figurines of a naked Santa, cock concealed by a present, and his wife cursed with vast, geriatric breasts. You’ve got to wonder what sort of laddish dickbag would want to own such an item, so perfect for one of the guys in the sales department.
