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Slow, incompetent bartender looking forward to his first shift this evening

A TRAINEE bartender who asks questions like ‘sorry, what’s a Guinness?’ cannot wait to serve thirsty patrons during his shift covering this evening’s England’s match.  

Ineffective, bumbling Jack Browne was pleased to see his first go at pulling pints, processing card transactions and figuring out who should rightfully be served next would take place during England’s first group game at a pub showing it live.

He said: “I haven’t had any training, and it’ll just be me because everyone else has already called in sick, oddly. Still, should be fun!

“Everyone will have to bear with me because I don’t know my way around the bar or recognise the difference between an IPA and a lager. But I’m sure the cheerful atmosphere of a high-level football competition will improve everyone’s patience.

“I asked my boss if he thought it would be busy tonight and he laughed, so I’ll take that as a no. Should I struggle to hear orders I’ll just turn off the telly for a minute. That should quell any rowdiness.”

He added: “If it starts to get out of hand I’ll switch over to BBC Two. Only Connect’s on. Though I worry that will make the regulars a bit competitive.”

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At Home With The Furys and other shows where twats believe everything they're seeing is true

IF they call it reality TV it must be real otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed, conclude the unintelligent. Which is why they’re fully invested in these obviously scripted shows:

At Home With The Furys

Tyson Fury isn’t just a mountainous thug – he’s a mountainous thug who has a family and mental health. Consequently his Netflix series is full of tear-jerking, relatable moments that are definitely off-the-cuff, and not the result of a cowering director requesting Tyson try that again, maybe with less swearing at his kids. All of whom are called Prince.

Married At First Sight

You can’t fake drama like this. It would have surely been impossible for production to predict that the bloke who came in saying his type is ‘a blonde bombshell’ would cheat on his wife of three weeks with the self-proclaimed blonde bombshell who just arrived at the dinner party. No, you can’t fake it, though you can hide certain legally actionable details.

The Only Way Is Essex

If there’s one characteristic that unites the fake-tanned, fake-nailed, boob-jobbed and Botoxed residents of Essex, it’s keeping it real. None of them can tolerate falsity in any form, which is why its stars would never allow any kind of scriptwriting and come up with every single one of those memorable lines themselves, like vajazzled Oscar Wildes.

(Keeping Up With) The Kardashians

There is no way you could keep a series on air for 18 years, with multiple spin-offs, if it was scripted. Wouldn’t you end up just re-using the same old pregnancy scares, cheating scandals and fish-out-of-water moments, but with different cast members? That’s why everything about the Kardashians must be true to life.

Made in Chelsea

What’s happening between BooBoo and Chumley is absolutely real, so don’t be fooled by their impeccable make-up and the obvious continuity errors. Posh people are just better than you, and that’s why their big, dramatic confrontations always happen while sitting calmly in a well-lit ski chalet and not while horribly geeked in a nightclub toilet.

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