PLANNING to watch England vs Croatia tonight with mates and a not-interested girlfriend? Try to ignore her inadvertently questioning the very foundations of spectator sport:
‘It doesn’t affect real life though, does it?’
Your girlfriend points out that life will continue as before after any match, which is undeniable. And yet commentators make it sound like a matter of life and death. Could people paid massive salaries to give half-time recaps be exaggerating football’s importance? Well yeah, obviously.
‘It’s just an excuse to get pissed’
Alcohol is a large part of the appeal of football, but what’s the alternative socially acceptable way of drinking heavily? Having your mates round to get shitfaced watching Springwatch, cheering wildly when you see an otter? She wouldn’t like that either.
‘This is boring’
Defensive play, one team unassailably ahead, mindless passing to run the clock down – she’s correct that a lot of football is boring, or in the modern parlance Arsenal. To save face pretend to enjoy the tedious bits by saying: ‘Excellent, a VAR review! Now we can finally uncover the truth!’
‘I bet the players aren’t really bothered’
Just not true. Our players live for football, and who doesn’t still nurse a childhood dream of being an England hero? Although now you think about it, earning tens of millions, being worshipped by fans and shagging attractive women would overshadow occasional tournaments we never win and you’d be deranged to think otherwise.
‘It’s sad it’s the only time men are allowed to cry’
Men crying over football is a bit weird, since there are plenty of situations far worse than getting knocked out at the quarter-finals and all are more unexpected. You’ll be more in touch with your emotions from now on, perhaps having a good sob over a roadkill badger.
‘It’s random which country you’re born in anyway’
This Spock-like logic removes the fun of supporting any team, while being right. You’re rooting for an arbitrary geographic area that may as well be France, Hawaii or Krypton. So now you’ve got the stress of wondering if England will be shit and an existential identity crisis.
