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Ed Miliband, and other dull Labour twats the press is trying to make terrifying

THE right-wing press is desperate to convince readers that voting Labour will lead to a socialist nightmare ruled by ruthless Leninists. Here’s who it’s not really working with.

Angela Rayner 

It’s hard to be scared of a gobby middle-aged Northern lass who likes an alcopop, and is Ange terrifyingly left-wing? Hardly. Judging by her extensive sucky praise for King Charles, she’s less likely to order a Romanov-style execution of the Royals than own tacky Danbury Mint plates of them.

Ed Miliband 

Ed isn’t scary because mainstream green policies aren’t hard-left, but mainly because he’s such a dork. There’s no other word for someone who looks permanently socially awkward and tracks his cold-water swimming metrics on his smartwatch. If he admitted to owning 500 hand-painted Warhammer figures, you wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised. Frankly you’re sceptical he’s ever been out with a girl.

Rachel Reeves

From time to time the press claims Reeves is a dangerous spend-and-tax leftie who will bankrupt the UK. You have to wonder what alternate reality Mail and Express readers are living in if a centrist automaton like her is left-wing. Oh, it’s the one where you get arrested by the thought police for not sending your kids to transgender lessons in a hijab. It all makes sense now.

Andy Burnham 

It’s odd that Burnham is considered left-wing when he’s resolutely moderate, recently saying he wanted to spend more on defence and less on benefits. And yet according to the press he wants a disastrous state-run economy and – we can infer – gulags. Of course it’s all about helping Reform win in Makerfield. If Nigel’s candidate loses it will ruin the narrative that Britain is desperate to have an obnoxious, grifting, Hitler-curious twat as prime minister.

Yvette Cooper 

The Mail and others liked to suggest Cooper was a metropolitan elite type in favour of high immigration, which was unfair because she loved a good clampdown. It’s even harder to see her as left-wing now after she decided that Palestine Action was a terrorist group. Which it clearly is, just one that doesn’t do any actual terrorism. Let’s not get bogged down in detail.

Keir Starmer 

Claiming Starmer’s government is left-wing is an insult to your intelligence. Admittedly it’s hard to remember what he does actually stand for, but you’re pretty sure he hasn’t called for the proletariat to oil the means of production with the blood of the capitalist pigs. Sadly for the press he’s not scary on a personal level either, unless you have an irrational fear of Gordon Brittas.

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When the woman isn't that hot, and other times age-gap relationships are okay

AGE-GAP relationships are often frowned up – except in certain circumstances where people strangely don’t care about shagging an old person. Such as these…

She’s over 40

Public concern about the power imbalance evaporates the moment she has a few grey hairs and wrinkles. An 80-year-old man with a 41-year-old woman stops being a moral case study and instead is a charming tale of two oldies finding love in later life. It may even raise concerns that she’s too old for him to fancy her. Indeed, she is lucky not to have been left on the shelf at her age.

She’s not that hot

If she is cursed with normal looks rather than captivating beauty, public interest collapses instantly. And the media will feel it raises awkward questions about his motives if he’s famous, namely why he’s in an age-gap relationship but not with a smoking hot 22-year-old with massive tits. For them, liking your partner as a person is a terrible basis for a relationship. It’s just so hard to monetise into outrage.

She is there of her own free will

No juicy professor-student coupling? No boss and secretary scenario probably involving sex on desks? Boring. Two consenting adults with no power imbalance who are free to separate whenever they choose is a nightmare for newspaper columnists. There’s very little to turn into a condemnatory think-piece which also features enough implied sex for readers to have a wank over. 

It’s a one-off

Leonardo DiCaprio has set the standard for these sorts of affairs, presumably gifting each 20-something girlfriend with a clock to show her how much time she has left. However even if you weren’t in Titanic a short-lived relationship is unlikely to generate much interest; she’s sated her curiosity about sex with older men, and his envious mates are glad when he shuts up about it. 

It’s an older woman

The prevailing view is that when an older woman dates a significantly younger fella, he is thanking his lucky stars for a masterclass in sexual enlightenment. Meanwhile she is blessed to be seen in public with a man who doesn’t make a noise when sitting down. Although there will still be those who disapprove of an innocent young man being exploited by a wizened old crone of 37.

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