LAST night, the England team won. And they won for English values: casual bigotry, smoking cigarettes and generous gifts from crypto billionaires.
Yes, players like Harry Kane, Jordan Pickford and others who I prefer not to name did their country proud. And they did it not for multicultural values or the NHS or the right to peaceful assembly or any of that nonsense. They did it for me.
They did it for the man drinking five pints every lunchtime in the saloon bar. They did it for the boys in the City, for the farmers, for Jeremy Clarkson’s prostate and most of all for those who, through sheer dogged common sense, were given five million quid.
Because is that not what it is to be British? To receive, without obligation or the need to disclose it to parliamentary authorities, a gift from a friend. A friend who donated £6m to the Brexit Party and a further £22m to Reform, expecting nothing in return.
Why did Harry Kane stutter during that first penalty? Because he had doubts. Because he thought ‘If England is not a country where one can be given life-changing sums without suspicion, should I even bother?’
But then, as the referee ordered it to be retaken, he decided ‘No. No, England is not that country and never will be. It is a land of hope, glory and £5m into the bank account, no questions asked.’ And scored. And thanks to his two goals (and others) we won.
I daresay we’ll win the entire tournament, and if we don’t it’s the fault of Restore, Andy Burnham, Labour and the Conservatives in that order. Also certain other members of the England squad may not have pulled their weight which is typical.
No matter what, last night’s victory – on ITV not the Marxist BBC, I note – settles one thing, once and for all. England is great and that money is mine. No further questions.
