'I walked in and Gavin Williamson was rimming a tarantula'

THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.

During Williamson’s stint as education secretary, the unnamed spad forgot to knock before entering his office and found him hunched over the spider’s hairy abdomen “in an obvious state of arousal”.

He said: “That tarantula – Caligula, I think he called it – always creeped me out. Nothing could prepare me for this though. I still get nightmares about all those horrible hairy legs and Williamson saying, ‘You like it, don’t you? Oh yeah.’

“He was clearly giving the spider a good rimming. It kind of puts the Boris blowjob story into perspective, but I don’t know what to expect next. Truss making a male sex doll out of cheese? She’s weird enough. She’d probably be gutted when he went mouldy.”

A government spokesman said: “The spider incident categorically did not happen, but when we’re forced to admit it did I would point out it is common for tarantula owners to groom their pets with their tongue.

“When that lie also unravels, the fact remains that whatever happened between Williamson and the spider was entirely consensual, and turns my stomach far less than the thought of Matt Hancock having normal sex with a human woman.”

Williamson – who no one can quite believe is now Sir Gavin – was unavailable for comment due to being on holiday with friends in a vivarium.

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Have you had enough Paul McCartney to last a f**king lifetime? Take our quiz

SIR Paul McCartney has turned 80, headlined Glastonbury and been hailed as Britain’s greatest man with twice the verve and energy of most 20-year-olds. But have you had your fill of the Fab One by now?

Hey Jude strikes up on the radio. How do you respond?

A) Drop everything, wave a scarf and do the ‘na na na na’ bit for a whole 45 minutes, long after the song has ended.

B) Drop your radio from the window of your fourth floor flat, watching with immense pleasure as it’s smashed to pieces.

You see yet another picture of McCartney giving the thumbs-up. Do you:

A) Give a thumbs-up back, with the slightly nauseating comment: ‘Good on yer, lad, I hope you’re still rocking when you’re 164!’

B) Scream ‘Will you pack it in with that thumbs-up shit? I’d have my thumbs up if I had your money. But I don’t. I’ve got an energy bill the size of Saturn and I’m trying to get six meals out of a tin of beans and sausages. And you can stop that pouting bullshit too.’

Which is your favourite Wings album?

A) I couldn’t single any of them out. Despite what the critics said, I find them to be of equal, uniform, utter excellence throughout.

B) I’d have to say The Very Worst Of Wings. Because that’s what they were. The worst. The band ELO thankfully weren’t.

There’s a new, overly reverential documentary titled 24 Hours in the Life of Paul McCartney, with 24 episodes featuring Sir Paul cleaning his teeth and sleeping. Will you be watching?

A) Hell, yeah! Just watching Macca take a piss is to see genius at work.

B) F**k off. I’ve already sat through the Peter Jackson one and that felt like five years. I’ve done my time.

Sir Paul is making a bland appearance on The One Show. What do you do?

A) Sit totally rapt by his rendition of Yesterday and eagerly listen to the dull details of his planned gigs.  

B) Somehow not be wildly excited by hearing Yesterday for the 1,753,228th time and wish John Lennon was on being an awkward shit.

Answers 

Mostly As: You’re still thrilled by the world’s greatest musical genius. Long may he continue cranking out Let It Be and tame Beatles anecdotes.

Mostly Bs: You’re a miserable shit who doesn’t deserve Sir Paul. Go and listen to all of Ringo’s solo albums as punishment.