KEIR Starmer and Yvette Cooper are boasting of how many Union Jacks they own. Obviously patriotism is directly proportional to flag ownership, so how does your Labour MP fare?
0-1 flags: A single flag? Why, your representative in parliament is barely trying to pander. Why did they bother to join the Labour Party if they’re not willing to counter right-wing flag waving with even more flag-waving?
3-5 flags: Woefully unacceptable. This is the sort of token flag ownership radical leftist Angela Rayner engages in to stay ‘on-message’. And one of hers is probably on a ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ cushion because she’s common as well as a traitor.
10 flags: Still patriotically lacking. Don’t worry, this MP will soon be deselected and replaced with a Starmerite android who was undecided between a career in politics or KPMG. He’d put up a swastika – or a Soviet hammer and sickle, or a Warhammer banner – if told to by an email from Labour HQ.
30 flags: Better, but still only the level of flag ownership that’s usually put down by social workers as being an ardent Royalist or some other form of mental illness.
50 flags: The bare minimum level of patriotism. Judging by the interview with Yvette Cooper about her ‘bunting and table cloths’, this is roughly the number of Union Jacks she owns. Makes her home rammed with patriotic tat like some mad prejudiced grandmother, but that’s very much Labour’s target demographic at the moment.
80 flags: At last a respectable amount of flags. Entering your MP’s house must feel like an acid trip in the middle of a 1970s National Front rally, which is a good thing.
100 flags: Finally, genuine patriotism. You can definitely rely on your MP to do whatever it is patriots do. In this case it’s doing f**k all about collapsing public services and mounting public debt but going on lots of freebies paid for by gambling lobbyists.
300 flags: An outstanding level of patriotism. It’s hard to imagine where they’re managing to put all those flags, but Union Jack contact lenses make another two. And wearing a large, uncomfortable Union Jack butt plug at all times is the sign of a true patriot.
500+ flags: This is the level of flag ownership Keir Starmer would like to see: every surface of your home covered in stark red, white and blue causing a permanent migraine. Will it win him the Reform votes he craves? No, because they believe he was secret mates with Jimmy Savile and they went paedoing together.
