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Labour's migrant clampdown, explained by a patriot who doesn't believe a word of it

LABOUR? Having a migrant clampdown? Doing one thing and saying the other mate, I should know, I voted for Boris and Brexit. Here’s what’s really happening: 

Stopping foreign students overstaying visas

Yeah well I did some scaffolding on campus and these foreign students? Rich as f**king Crozier, waltzing to lectures with Louis Vuitton backpacks. Not fake either, I know because I nicked one and eBayed it. They’ll just buy a new visa or citizenship if they want to. Terrible state of affairs, wouldn’t have happened under the Tories.

Stopping refugees bringing family members

Means the exact opposite. You know how we’re all related to each other thanks to some randy bastard called Charlemagne? Labour’s taken that to its logical extreme. You can now claim anyone’s your relative as we’re all part of the family of man, and get them over on the next flight. With full luggage allowance and Priority Boarding.

One in, one out

I know all about this policy because I used to work the door at Samoan Joe’s before I got done for affray, and let me tell you it’s never one in, one out. You let the tit in, you let the money in, you let the local dealers in because they know where you live and they hold your gambling debts, soon it’s dangerously overcrowded. Exactly what we’ve seen here.

Deporting failed claimants

Oh, they’re deporting, alright. Know who they’re deporting? Native whites. Straight up, my mate Joe works baggage handling at Stansted and he’s seen them being herded onto flights like cattle. Happened to a mate of mine, rumour was he’d been sent down for noncing but his wife said no way, deported to Sudan for whiteness.

Stopping the boats

They’ve actually accelerated them, by giving in to the French and letting them tilt the Channel at 45 degrees. It’s downhill all the way to Dover now. You could do it on a boogie board. Meanwhile our duty-free’s twice as heavy by weight, cutting our fag allowances and putting hard-working smugglers like Lonnie down the club out of work.

Having a flag

Bollocks Starmer’s got a flag, unless it’s for the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea. That’s his red, white and blue. No, flags are for me, the Tories and Reform, and the sooner they’re back in the sooner I can stop being bothered about these asylum hotels like I wasn’t before July 2024.

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Pillow fights in frilly nightgowns: what happens on a girls' night by Roy Hobbs, aged 59

RETIRED rail porter Roy Hobbs knows exactly what happens on these so-called girls’ nights, and it’s not just Netflix and ‘a chat about work’. He exposes the truth: 

As a man of the world who used to pick-up part-time work shifting crates of beer until some bastard tipped off the social and I lost my disability living allowance, I’ve seen it all.

What women get up to when they’ve been on the chardonnay is no mystery to me. I’ve even written it down in a special notebook, with a few pencil crayon sketches.

Pillow fights in frilly nighties

You’ve seen it in internet videos and it’s true. Within 20 minutes of their first pink gin, women spontaneously change into lacy nighties, giggle uncontrollably and start whacking each other with feather pillows. The night dresses are colour coded – pink for the shy one, black for the mysterious one and white for the one I deem suitable for marriage.

Gifting each other lingerie

Women buy each other skimpy lingerie as gifts for Christmas, birthdays and the end of the tax year. And because they’re insecure, they try it on before the rest of the group. Sometimes the lingerie is a bit tight and boobies spontaneously pop out or one might need to help with another’s bra strap, or stockings or whatever.

Discussions of sexual techniques

After a few Cosmopolitans, women discuss their sex lives without inhibition. Usually a bold one – I’m calling her ‘Sophie’ because I found her on Instagram – will suggest with a giggle that there are alternatives to brutish men and she’d be delighted to demonstrate. She also tells a long story about the extra-curricular education she received at boarding school.

Dare each other to kiss a man

Once they’re frisky, they begin the sambuca shots and the dares. It’s usually to kiss a particular kind of man – hunk, nerd, that bloke out the back of the smoking area moving the kegs. Tale as old as time. They descend on their hapless victim, shrieking, and he doesn’t escape without a kiss from the hottest one. And more besides.

Wrestling naked in jelly

By this time they’re wrecked, giggly and get jealous, especially when two fancy the same male. To resolve this, instead of a fight in the car park they inflate a paddling pool, fill it with jelly – only takes a few sachets and they’ve got big handbags – and bikini wrestle. I remind prospective participants that I have Sunday league refereeing experience and a camcorder as an alternative to VAR.

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