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Nobody sure how to tell Wes Streeting he's not popular

FRIENDS of Wes Streeting have realised he holds the belief he is universally popular and are debating how to disabuse him of this. 

The health secretary has not given up his leadership ambitions because his delusions of adulation have apparently not been shaken by the ultimate insult of the entire cabinet preferring Keir f**king Starmer to him.

Close pal Julian Cook said: “Andy Burnham? Has a certain glowering cool. Angela Rayner? Properly working-class and a redhead. That lights some fires.

“Wes? Same beefy, stolid white-man face, same slicked-back 80s-yuppie bad-guy-in-action-movie hair, same fundamental chinlessness. And he thinks that’s popular?

“The left hates him with a passion, the centrists see no reason to prefer him over the prime minister who actually won an election, and if you’re on the rabid Trumpian right him being gay is just as disqualifying as Kemi Badenoch being Nigerian.

“But how do we break it to him? His face all shiny with anticipation? There’s no easy way to say the public, the party and your fellow MPs think you’re a worthless, empty-headed prick and if you were replaced by pod people we wouldn’t even notice?”

Streeting said: “Starmer sat me down and said ‘you’re nothing special, nobody likes you and you’re doomed to fail.’ I mean projection much?”

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What to do when your daughter brings home a bad boy

TEENAGE daughter brought home a slouching yob with a leather jacket riding a 125cc scooter like it’s a Harley? Want to end their misbegotten relationship ASAP? Here’s how: 

Pretend to like him

Nothing will dim the appeal of this iconoclastic rebel more than boring old dad’s approval. Invite him to sit down for a single malt. Get him telling his most outrageous anecdotes and reply with stories from your own wild youth, emphasising how dull you’ve become. Your daughter’s lust for him will slowly be replaced by a feeling of sick revulsion.

Dig the dirt

He’ll have a shady past and today’s youth live half of it online, so enlist the help of your most Insta-obsessed friend and get digging. If you find a drug-dealing criminal record, conceal it. You’re looking for footage of him singing Circle of Life with his school choir, his abandoned Warhammer-painting YouTube channel, or an Ed Sheeran stan Twitter.

Get into his music

He’ll have to be into something transgressive and shit, so find out what and start listening to it. It’s on Spotify, it doesn’t cost anything. Your daughter will secretly hate it already so will be dismayed to come home and find you’re also blasting Tyler, The Creator on the kitchen Bluetooth. ‘Sick beats,’ you’ll nod, effortlessly tarnishing his cool.

Offer lifts

Dating a bad boy means hanging out with his equally monosyllabic mates in their filthy flats for hours on end. Occasional texts mentioning you’re at a nearby Sainsbury’s if she needs picking up will prove irresistibly tempting when the alternative is another four hours of black metal, Xbox and cans of Carling. ‘It’s my dad, he’s ordering me home,’ she’ll lie.

Pay him off

He’s living outside morality, the law and boring bourgeois notions of working for a living, so he’ll take any bribe. Tell him you’ll give him a grand to end it and his greedy little counterculture eyes will turn to dollar signs at the thought of the tattoo he can now afford. Then don’t pay him. Who’s the bad boy now?

Move house

Drastic, but on balance worth it. 50 miles or so should do it, then learn in horror that’s where he’s been driving from and you’re actually nearer his home, because he’s the kind of bad boy whose parents are richer than you. That black tinted-window BMW will be parked on your new drive before you’ve finished unpacking.

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