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Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds, says Burnham

ANDY Burnham has celebrated his election win by quoting the grim words uttered by J Robert Oppenheimer.

Surveying the people of Makerfield with the same terrified awe as those who witnessed the first atomic blast, Burnham reflected that his achievement marks the beginning of the end of life as we know it.

He said: “You fools think that handing me a decisive victory is a huge leap forward for Britain? You couldn’t be more wrong.

“Yes, it’s a turning point for the country. But so was Brexit. So was 1066. My win last night is merely the first falling domino in a sequence that will somehow end with Farage’s pint-swilling face chiselled into the White Cliffs of Dover.

“The fools of Greater Manchester have unleashed primal forces that should never have been tampered with. But I cannot blame them. I too once naively thought that a Northern rival to the prime minister could be a force for good, not one of wanton destruction.

“Sadly, the funeral bell of my triumph cannot be un-rung. Its deathly sound tolls for the world. China, Iran and North Korea will want their own former Mayor of Greater Manchester to rival ours. The arms race has begun.”

Makerfield voter Martin Bishop said: “God, he’s right. They’re probably going to make a dreary, three-hour film about this folly.”

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Public warned they are in serious danger of damaging Reform's narrative

THE British public has been warned if they continue to vote so irresponsibly Reform’s entire election-winning narrative could be at risk.

After selfishly choosing Andy Burnham over Reform in Makerfield, preferring the discredited SNP in Arbroath and Broughty Ferry, and implausibly plumping for the Tories in Aberdeen South, the electorate has been reprimanded by their government-in-waiting.

Reform deputy leader Richard Tice said: “So far we’ve tolerated you electing the Greens and even bloody Plaid Cymru instead of us. But we’ve reached our limit.

“Three by-elections, at least two of them in known shitholes, and we don’t win a single one? Do you not realise the damage you’re doing to the story of our rise to power?

“We’re not on every television channel every day for the good of our bloody health, you know. We’re on there because we, you and the media have agreed that Britain is surging to Reform, no other party can possibly win, and our victory is pre-ordained.

“You have no business ruining that well-planned narrative with your selfish little votes. Did you not see our flags? Our riots? Exactly. No more of this ‘preferring other parties’. It’s plain inconsiderate.”

Reform plan to set their inexorable journey to total domination back on track by winning the Manchester mayoralty, for which they will nominate a total freak with a f**ked-up social media history who is unable to speak coherently.

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