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Pies for breakfast: life under Burnham's Northern dictatorship

THE bourgeois Southern regime has fallen. In its place stands the People’s Democratic Republic of the North, under the leadership of Comrade Burnham. Here’s what to expect:

Food

At 7am, commissars from the Ministry of Gravy issue each household with a meat-and-potato pie. Vegetarians receive a lecture on getting a grip. Citizens caught consuming granola are sent to a Barnsley re-education camp. Brunch carries mandatory execution, although there are underground sourdough proofing cells.

The capital

Manchester, renamed Burnhamgrad, is the UK’s centre now. The territory that was once London is redesignated Administrative Zone Poncy South. Travel permits are required to travel south of Stoke-on-Trent. Citizens wishing to do so must provide a valid reason, such as supporting Bolton away or liquidating an Old Etonian.

The ex-people

London’s management consultancies collapse. Entire communities of ex-investment bankers are thrown into strikes and poverty, forced to survive by selling scented candles and explaining cryptocurrency on the streets. Anyone complaining will be instructed to get on their Lime bikes and look for work.

Communications

Each morning state plays the national anthem Wonderwall. As with the current anthem, no one knows the second verse. Received pronunciation means Standard Northern, taught in all schools with a strong Wigan accent. King Charles will begin all speeches with ‘right, then,’ while wearing a diamond-encrusted flat cap.

Leisure

Pint-supping is your leisure time now. Women may play bingo, or stand arms folded on doorsteps gossiping about the cleanliness of others’ net curtains. Anyone not making casual conversation at bus stops will out themselves as an enemy agent.

Politics

Supreme Leader Burnham cannot carry the dictatorship of the Northernariat by himself. Rather, other icons are displayed in homes, specifically Angela Rayner, Fred Dibnah and the cast of Last of the Summer Wine. 10 Downing Street is moved to a working men’s club near Rochdale which holds a Friday night meat raffle.

Clothing

Coats are banned. Rain is mandatory.

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'She dedicates her life to us' vs 'He barbecues sometimes': Mother's Day tributes and Father's Day tributes compared

EVERY year, mothers receive lavish gifts and cards packed with heartfelt sentiment from their children. Dads might also get something. These are the key differences: 

Sacrifice

She gave her all for us. And Dad was also there. Well, present. While mum made packed lunches at 11pm, he supervised from the sofa. While she attended plays and sports day, he waited in the car. There’s a reason Mother’s Day tributes sound like citations for a humanitarian award while Father’s Day cards feature a man asleep under a newspaper.

Childhood memories

Mum remembers every childhood obsession. Your Dad remembers you dropping that ice cream in Cornwall in 2009 and is still bitter about the £3.65 lost. It was the central point in his speech at your wedding. He still doesn’t know your GCSE results. On the other hand, he can’t provide a full record of your lifelong weight fluctuations at zero notice.

Personality traits

‘No one loves Dire Straits like the old man’, you post, largely because it’s the only time you’ve ever seen him display emotion. His signed vinyl of Brothers In Arms is on the wall, while your graduation photo is in a drawer under the warranty for a hedge trimmer. Mums are supportive. Dads, whether it’s fishing, Rommel or barbecues, have A Thing.

Emotional tributes vs anecdotes

Mothers get ‘Thank you for your unconditional love’ or ‘You shaped the person I am today’. Dads get ‘Remember when you found your glasses in the freezer?’ or ‘And when you fell through the shed roof?’ One day celebrates profound emotional bonds. The other is essentially a recounting of missed opportunities to win £250 from You’ve Been Framed.

Strength

No Mother’s Day is complete without everyone declaring their Mum the strongest human ever to walk the earth. She worked three jobs, raised four children and never complained. Dad? Well, he once fixed your wi-fi and drove you to Cubs. A king amongst men.

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