We teach that Brexit is almost as good as communism, say universities

UNIVERSITIES have confirmed they teach that Brexit is incredibly brilliant but not quite up there with communism. 

British universities have responded to a letter from Tory whip Chris Heaton-Harris by explaining that while Brexit will destroy the UK as a nation, it cannot boast the same track record for doing so as communism can. 

Professor Julian Cook of the University of Sussex said: “We’re universities so everything we teach is Marxist, even the catering courses. 

“But as an anti-capitalist movement, Brexit may not come from the same roots but is deeply impressive. Shattering the financial hegemony of the City and forcing everyone to toil on collectivised farms? I’m all in for that. 

“I just don’t know if it will kill as many millions as communism did in China, Cambodia and in the Soviet Union, so it’s on that level that I have my doubts. 

“But yes, certainly the ideological uniformity – the demand that everyone believe in Brexit, the violent suppression of opposing views – reminds me powerfully of North Korea, so it’s got me waving the flag.” 

Heaton-Harris said: “Death to experts. Utopia is just around the corner.”

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Couple in desperate race to buy second-cheapest thing on wedding list

A COUPLE are racing against time to buy the second least expensive item on their friends’ wedding list.

Dozens of fellow guests are competing against Emma Bradford and Tom Booker to buy the second-cheapest item on the online list, an £8.99 ‘vintage style toast rack’.

The cheapest item is a £5.50 candleholder but that could be deemed taking the piss.

Wedding guests began scouring the list as soon as they received the email, with the goal of making it look like they purchased the almost-cheapest thing by chance.

Bradford said: “I’m on my phone and my partner is on his tablet and we still can’t find something that’s cheap but not the cheapest. WHY CAN’T YOU FILTER BY PRICE?”

Booker added: “There’s a fridge on there. What kind of twat expects someone to buy them a fridge?”

Groom Roy Hobbs said: “The important thing is that all our friends come and celebrate with us, nobody has to buy us anything.

“This detailed list of 208 items to suit every pocket is just to provide ‘gift inspiration’.”