Right-wing press reflects on campaign that replaced unpopular Labour prime minister with popular one

THE UK’s right-wing media is musing on their role in deposing a prime minister enjoying record unpopularity for a more popular and more left-wing one. 

Newspapers wholly dedicated to putting Nigel Farage in charge of the country have forced out Keir Starmer, who was determined to cling to power despite nobody thinking he was any good, and given a widely-liked man three years to have a go.

Telegraph journalist Denys Finch Hatton said: “Hmm. Now let me just think through why this is a triumph for us.

“Labour in chaos, we can certainly say that, though with Streeting backing Burnham it all looks rather orderly. Prime minister nobody voted for? I worry 2022 is too fresh in the memory.

“Obviously the demonisation of Burnham begins now but we have lost two years of solid work. Also now Starmer’s associated with all the unpopular economic decisions he made at the start and Burnham gets to benefit from when they start bearing fruit.

“There’s no-one left to replace Kemi because Jenrick’s gone to Reform, Reform’s less popular for him being there, Restore’s splitting the nutter vote and a national debate about how shit Brexit’s been is looming. Yeah. Have we f**ked this?

“Let’s get back to basics. Put that BBC show about the rise of the Nazis on and we’ll take notes, then do it how Adolf did.”

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You to be prime minister soon at this rate

THE current churn rate of prime ministers means that you will be given a go in Downing Street before too long.

With the government burning through six prime ministers in a decade, studies suggest that, as unqualified as you are, you will be called upon to move into Number 10 to have a crack at running the country by 2034 at the latest.

A government spokesperson said: “We’ll have to get through all the MPs in each party first, but given how corrupt and incompetent they are that shouldn’t take long.

“By autumn anyone with a PPE degree from Oxbridge will have tried and failed, then we’ll work our way through Eton students in descending order of age. Once the 12-year-olds have had their turn it’s down to ordinary British twats like you.

“First you’ll be appointed by the King, then it’s off to speak to the press who’ll be shouting ‘Are you going to resign, prime minister?’ as you walk to the podium. 25 minutes of appeasing backbenchers, battling scandal and losing support to Reform later, it’ll be over.

“Once every bad relationship and poor financial decision you’ve ever made has been splashed across the tabloids, you’ll resign and never be thought of again except when you join the other 35,612,435 previous prime ministers at the cenotaph.

“Don’t worry about coming up with effective policies on immigration or housing. Nobody’s been arsed with that in ages.”