United fans take custody of Manchester’s pathetic self-satisfaction

LORRIES have been shifting Manchester’s reserves of insufferable smugness following yesterday’s derby game.

The stock piles of inexplicable conceit, kept in City-supporting homes since last May, were transported overnight to United households, many of which are in Manchester.

Wayne Hayes, a researcher at Manchester University, said: “The city is fuelled by the belief that the whole world is against you and that you are the best thing to exist in that world.

“When one group of foreigners outperforms another group of foreigners, the city’s absurd self-regard has to be placed in the custody of the self-deluding victors.”

But with a disappointing season for both teams and the existence of Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, there have been predictions the city could lose a fraction of its overbearing self-belief.

Hayes added: “By 2019 Manchester could be reduced to thinking it was marginally less important than a combination of New York and Atlantis.”

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Next season of Premier League leaked online

THE first four matches of the 2015/16 Premier League season have been illegally uploaded to the internet. 

Torrent site user Tom Logan was stealing American TV drama when he discovered a link for ’Tottenham v Stoke (Premier League season 2015/16)’.

He said: ”I was still on season 2014/15, but in the end I just said to hell with spoilers and watched all ninety minutes of Spurs’ deeply humiliating near-future home defeat.”

Logan binge-watched a further three matches: “They’ve killed off three of the main teams from the current season – QPR, Leicester and Burnley – but they’ve also introduced three totally new teams called Bournemouth, Norwich and Middlesbrough.

“Apparently they’re going to do another three seasons of football, then a big feature film where the players all join forces to fight an army of undead Northerners.”