Subscribe

The trick is to go fast, says record-breaking marathon runner

THE man who completed a marathon in under two hours has revealed his secret was to run faster than other competitors so he got to the finish first. 

Sabastian Sawe, who made history by completing the London Marathon in one hour, 59 minutes and 30 seconds, credited his achievement to being faster, because he is a professional athlete.

He said: “Pacing yourself, staying hydrated, and having friend and family cheer you on? Not, it turns out, as important as putting one foot in front of the other repeatedly lots of times really quickly.

“It’s weird so many marathon runners leave this out. Instead it’s all about training, energy gels and plasters over your nipples, which aren’t nearly as effective as running faster over this distance than anyone else in recorded history.

“Other useful things to keep in mind if you want to smash the two-hour barrier like me are not stopping, and making sure that you’re running in the right direction. Oh, and check there’s actually a marathon on, otherwise you’re just a man in traffic.

“Having two legs, being young, and not being dead are all helpful as well. But I really can’t stress that it all comes down to going fast. Maybe write it down so you don’t forget.”

Marathon runner Tom Booker said: “I don’t know. I still reckon endlessly droning on about running a marathon to everyone in the office plays a crucial role.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Why aren't presidential assassins trying to impress Jodie Foster any more?

AT 63, she is a respected actress, a Hollywood icon and an LGBT pioneer. But apparently all that means nothing to the disrespectful men trying to kill the president. 

Hopeful after hopeful fire their bullets, fail to kill the head of state and their manifesto is revealed. Again and again, they ramble about ‘a danger to democracy’ who ‘must be stopped’. But mention of a two-time Academy Award winner comes there none.

Back in the 1980s, in that halcyon period the Jackson biopic wisely chose to focus on, assassins had proper motives. They weren’t boringly political. They weren’t internet furries. They had their sights set not just on a president but on worthy life goals.

When John Hinckley Jr unloaded his revolver at Reagan in 1981, he did it for one reason: to impress Jodie Foster. He reasoned that it would put him at her level. You can’t fault his logic.

As it happened he wasn’t successful and the Bugsy Malone star therefore ignored his advances. Perhaps it even factored into her later turning toward lesbianism. That doesn’t mean that, for the right presidential assassin, she wouldn’t reconsider her sexuality.

But instead assassin after assassin takes their shot without even plighting their troth at the Silence of the Lambs actress. Ignoring her incredible performance in True Detective which revitalised the franchise. Heedless of her first French language role in Vie privée. 

It’s no wonder they fail. Hinckley at least wounded Reagan, because he was powered by love. Today’s assassins, fuelled by selfishness and political grievance, are lucky if they manage to nick Trump’s ear.

Let’s put this right. Assassins, if you’re reading this, at least check out her peerless filmography. From Taxi Driver to Contact to Hotel Artemis, there’s something for everyone. And with the proper motivation, anything is possible.

Next story ›