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USA yet to experience when Scotland lose

AMERICANS charmed by the loveable drunken antics of Scottish football fans have yet to encounter them after they lose a game. 

Social media has been flooded with footage of jovial, smiling Americans dancing in fountains with Scots and putting traffic cones on statues, oblivious to the sudden mood change expected to come over the Caledonian contingent when Morocco win later.

Bostonian Bill McKay said: “I’m one-36th Scottish on my mother’s side, so I was real happy when 47 guys in kilts arrived at the two-bedroom AirBNB next door to us.

“They seem like great dudes. Just cheerful, friendly types who begin every day by cracking a beer but who never turn dark, angry or violent. They’ve charmed every cop in the city! I can’t see any reason why that would change.”

Bill McKay of Glasgow said: “Aye, we’ve loved it over here in Boston. Such wonderful hospitality and foods of many different colours, served by people with no ancestral grudge against us. But we’ve also been stockpiling bricks.

“So I apologise in advance to the bars we’ve been drinking dry for the destruction we’ll wreak on them when Morocco win, due to a penalty conceded in extra time by a defender collapsing on a striker in the box due to heat exhaustion.

“Our vengeance will be terrible, indiscriminate and ultimately self-defeating. The Saltaire will forever after be banned in Boston and the skirl of the pipes heard in fear. Sorry lads.”

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Woman asked why she always chooses wrong men explains there are only nutters left

A WOMAN who is only offered a selection of lunatics and perverts on dating apps has been asked why she always picks the wrong men. 

Hannah Tomlinson’s friends regard her romantic history as a personal failing, despite every app featuring the same rotating cast of commitment-phobes, crypto evangelists and men whose profile picture still includes a fish.

Tomlinson, 36, said: “They say ‘you need to stop choosing the wrong type’ as if I keep ignoring emotionally intelligent millionaires who do Pilates in favour of a 45-year-old who lives with his mum and calls himself a ‘men’s rights activist’.

“Do they honestly believe I want to spend time with a man who refers to his penis as ‘Little Pete’, as he explained to me in Pizza Express? Or guys who think your lovemaking won’t be impaired by worrying you’ll catch something off the sheets?

“I am wading through a sea of shit while smug marrieds who’ve been off the market since 2012 send me reels about ‘anxious-avoidant attachment’ and ‘manifesting healthy love’. 

“They should try having fulfilling relationships when the only options are weird liars who clearly aren’t six foot, even in their massive platform trainers. Or the guy who had seven kids by seven different women because his genes are ‘too good to waste’.”

Shortly afterwards Tomlinson was matched with a man claiming to be a wealthy porn director scouting for new talent, which was both undesirable and unlikely for someone who appeared to live in a Transit van.

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