THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who?
Helen Archer, West Ham fan: “Max Beier, Dilane Bakwa, Jhon Lucumi, Aliex Garcia and of course Calvin Stengs. No, I don’t really know who any of them are, but they sound ideal vessels for false hope.”
Julian Cook, Woking fan: “Any Man United player. They cost f**k all and they’re so happy to escape they play with a joy and freedom that’s wonderful to watch and should get us out of the National League.”
Denys Finch Hatton, Brentford fan: “Jakov Milatovic, who’s doing a terrific job leading the line for Montenegro and we can pick up for a steal as he’s only on £33k a week. What? He’s the country’s president and that’s his annual salary? Oh.”
Wayne Hayes, Charlton Athletic fan: “Steve. He’s one of these Brazilian players who goes by a single name. Definitely worth a punt at £38m. Definitely not just my mate Steve.”
Ryan Whittaker, Chelsea fan: “Tó Madeira. Portuguese player, not on the scouts’ radar, 20 goals a season guaranteed. How do I know about him? He was my first love.”
